How to get every thing you want in life

Experts and women like you share simple tips for landing whatever your heart desires, whether its comfy shoes or your share of the American pie. But sometimes knowing - really knowing - what you want is the hardest part of all.

A few weeks ago, I went backpacking in the canyons of southern Utah with nine other women. Our ages spanned three decades, 23 to 53, our occupations-lawyer, bookseller, botanist, social worker, yoga instructor (to name only a few)-were as varied as the colors of the desert flowers that were just starting to bloom on all sides of our campsite. We spent our days hiking, cooling our bodies in pools the creek had carved into the canyon floor. We wrote in our journals. We talked long into the warm spring evenings about our lives and the changes we wanted to make in them.

Danika had put her scientific studies on hold to build schools and medical facilities in earthquake-ravaged Pakistan. Sarah was considering giving up a 10-year career guiding troubled teens in the wilderness for something more stable, more lucrative, more relationship-friendly. Amy was about to go to law school, though she wasn't entirely sure why, because no matter how hard she tried she couldn't imagine herself as a lawyer.

Three days after the trip ended I would fly to New Orleans, to accompany the man in my life on a drive back to Colorado, where he would move in with me and my four Irish wolfhounds. We'd been friends for 20 years, long-distance lovers for one, and this next step seemed on the one hand inevitable, and on the other absolutely insane, given the history of relationship disasters we had each left in our separate paths.

Each of us women on the backpacking trip was at some kind of crossroads, and we all kept coming back to the same questions: How do we know when we are truly following our heart's desire? How can we tell the difference between our one true voice, and all the other voices that have taken up residence in our head and constantly compete for our attention, telling us what we should and should not do? How can we tell the difference between what the people who love us want for us, and what we want for ourselves? How do we learn to quiet the nay-saying voices that belong to bad fathers and bad bosses and bad TV shows that tell us all the things we can't have, and get quiet enough, brave enough, to imagine the life we truly want?

My mother wanted desperately for me to be an actress; my father wanted me to be Chris Evert. For the first 12 years of my life I played tennis as though my life depended on it, and I went into Manhattan a couple of times a week with my mother to audition for commercials and soaps. I couldn't seem to stop running around my backhand, though, and I never got the knack of saying I liked the potato chip if I didn't like the potato chip. When I came home from an eighth-grade exchange program in Wales and announced I wanted to be a writer, my parents' suspicions that I was an alien baby were confirmed. I understand now that it was the width of the Atlantic Ocean that afforded me the time and space to begin to separate my parents' dreams from my own. My mother eventually learned to see the writing life as "a kind of acting," but my father's frustration with my choice lasted as long as his life. And though they have both been gone many years, I still feel their desires in my own decision-making, still hear their disappointments echoed in the advice of friends and lovers, still find it so hard not to act on behalf of them, or in spite of them. Where in all of that longing, do I find the voice that speaks more softly than all the others: my own?

What further complicates this process for me and all women, I think, is our capacity for empathy, our penchant for caretaking, the way we can't seem to be truly satisfied unless we are doing something for someone other than ourselves. Our generous nature is the best of things about us, but we run into trouble when generosity turns into martyrdom and resentment, when our good intentions toward those we love deafen us to that quieter call of our own desires.

Over a breakfast of strong coffee, dried apricots, and granola, I asked my hiking companions how they knew when their truest voice was speaking.

Tami, the owner of a marketing agency, has come to the Utah canyons from Sonoma, CA. The energy she feels around a heart's desire is completely different from what she feels about a "should." She feels a genuine pull, the excitement of what if, and also the fear. Following a heart's desire involves risk: starting her own business, falling in love, writing fiction, running a marathon for the first time. She has to try it, and she has to be willing to fail. When she is in the realm of the shoulds, she is 100 percent in her logical brain, and she has total confidence in her abilities-she is doing what her head knows she is good at, rather than what her heart longs to try. And the shoulds can be an important part of the process. "Sometimes," she says, "the confidence you build up from all the shoulds is what allows you to reach for your heart's desire."

I have an extremely competent analytical brain, so I've been told by the standardized testing people, and in many situations it serves me well. I am an excellent chess player, I usually know what is about to happen next in the movie, and I have been able to win most of the arguments with most of the men who have lived with me, without crying or slamming doors. But my overactive (some would say obsessive) analytical brain can be the biggest impediment to listening to my heart's desire. In fact, sometimes I have to trick my logical brain into looking the other way for a minute to give my intuitive brain the floor. I look into the short stories and novels I write to see if my heart's desire is hiding in their plotlines, and into my dreams, and into the most passionate advice I give my friends. I pay attention to what my body is doing when I talk or think about a new life path.

Is my chest open or closed? Am I standing straight or slumping? And most important, am I breathing? And how deeply? If I can't remember the last time I filled my diaphragm with air, I am probably making the wrong decision.

Out in the wilderness of southern Utah, the Red Rock Canyons served as a makeshift Atlantic Ocean, giving me enough space to think about moving in with my old friend Gary. I let the questions come: Was I breathing deeply? Was that happy nervous excitement in my voice, or abject fear? For the life of me, I couldn't be certain.

Barb, a simulation analysis engineer from Minneapolis, says that for her, fear is always part of the equation, but if she is doing something not because of fear, but despite fear, then she is doing what her heart desires. "If I don't hesitate, if I don't start trying to come up with all kinds of logic that will support my decision, it is probably the right one. If I have to talk myself into something, it's usually because I am trying to convince myself to do something that doesn't feel right in my gut."

Gail Harris has written a book called Your Heart Knows The Answer: How To Trust Yourself & Make the Choices That Are Right For You, which outlines strategies and simple practices to help you tune into your truest voice. "The voice of the heart is always positive and loving," she says, "even when it is asking us to change. It is direct and specific, empowering, grounding, centering, and relaxing. It is unwavering. It will keep telling you the same thing over and over, but it won't use your own logic against you. If it is negative and critical, it is not the voice of your heart."

After all the soul-searching and second-guessing and the final banishment of lingering doubt, Harris notes, the execution of our plans can seem like the easy part. Once you let yourself know that what you really want is to start a catering business, you head to Kinko's for business cards and flyers, check the want ads for kitchen space, and call up those rich friends who always rave about your cooking and see how much they would like to invest. If you've always wanted to write a novel, but have three kids under 6, you look into day care, call in a favor from your sister, and set the alarm for 3 a.m.

As the 10 of us heaved our packs on our backs for the final time on that backpacking trip, they felt lighter. (They were lighter, of course, after all the food we'd eaten, but we felt even more deeply unburdened.) The decision-making was behind us. Danika had a grade school to build in Pakistan, Sarah was off to find a new place to live. Tami had her brand new business to attend to in Sonoma. And me? I had to go clear shelves and drawers for Gary, and welcome him with a big, generous, open heart. And if I failed, if any of us failed, we would know we had tried our best to listen to our heart's desire, and moved forward, with honesty and commitment, and enough belief in ourselves to spread some around.

We have the right, the tools, and the capacity to live precisely the lives we want to. We are the gender that lifts cars off of babies, wins the Iditarod, and swims the English Channel, after all, and anyone who gets in the way of our heart's desire once we have really made up our minds better watch out.

1) Get a better credit score (fast!)

Give your credit score a quick boost simply by increasing your line of credit (just call your credit card company and ask). A third of your score is based on your debt-to-credit ratio, so your $2,000 credit card bill looks less risky to banks if it represents half of a $4,000 credit line rather than most of a $2,500 one.

2) Ditch a bad mood in minutes.

Hyla Cass, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine and author of 8 Weeks to Vibrant Health says there's one easy way to get a pick-me-up anytime, anywhere: Get moving. Take a brisk 10-minute walk, or jog up and down stairs for five minutes. Exercise sends a shot of oxygen to your brain, and boosts endorphins in your bloodstream-both of which short-circuit crankiness. So when you're so grouchy that even you're annoyed with you, do yourself (and everyone around you) a favor. Take a hike.

4) Find a reliable auto mechanic

NPR's "Car Talk" and its hosts Click and Clack have long been the go-to source for perplexed drivers dealing with stuck dipsticks, mysterious rattles, and more. So it makes perfect sense that they'd be the holders of that holy grail all car owners seek: the trustworthy mechanic. The "Car Talk" website (cartalk.com/content/mechx) features more than 16,000 mechanics recommended by people who've used them; just enter your zip code to find the garage nearest you.

5) Develop perfect posture

Having good posture makes you look thinner and ooze confidence-it also helps ease back pain and headaches. Here, three steps to posture that would make Mom proud, courtesy of Drew DeMann, M.D., chiropractic orthopedist at Manhattan Spine & Sports Medicine in New York City.

1. Check your alignment. Many women have rounded shoulders and a C-curve in their back from sitting hunched over a desk all day, says DeMann. So ask a friend to take a photo of you from the side (or check yourself out in a double mirror at the department store). Your earlobe should be over your shoulder and hip. If it's forward of them, you need to correct your posture.
2. Learn what good posture feels like. Straighten your spine as if there were a string stretching from the top of your head to the ceiling, pulling you up. This is how you should carry yourself.
3. Practice, practice, practice. Doing the above exercise on a regular basis will train your body to stand and sit up straight. Strengthening your upper back and abdominal muscles will help you maintain good posture; try lat pulldowns in the gym or do the cobra yoga move.

6) Tasty snacks that don't break the calorie bank

These five treats are all under 200 calories:

* 5 whole-grain crackers (such as Wheat Thins) topped with 1 Tbsp natural peanut butter 184 calories
* 1 oz premium dark chocolate, such as Vivani, Feodora, or Lindt 150 calories
* ¼ cup guacamole and 8 blue-corn tortilla chips 190 Calories
* 1 oz (small handful) dark-chocolate covered almonds or peanuts 160 Calories

Fruit and cheese
* 1 sliced green apple served with 2 oz of light cheddar cheese cubes or 1 light Laughing Cow snack cheese. 189 calories

7) Sign a sophisticated signature

A scribbled scrawl might say something about you-but is it saying anything good? Andrea McNichol, author of Handwriting Analysis Putting It To Work For You says no. Try holding your arm and hand away from your body when signing your name. This naturally creates a more generously spaced signature, which is more attractive and memorable.

Other tips: Always end your autograph with a stroke to the right-ending it to the left means you're living in the past. And skip flourishes like excessive underlining, swirls, or oversize letters (don't even think about heart-dotted i's); these things will make you seem attention-hungry, not like the history maker you know you were born to be.

8) Get more foreplay

He opts for fast and furious; you'd like him to loiter. Sex educator and REDBOOK Love Network expert Lou Paget offers these tips on how to get your man to lengthen the passion prelude:

Drive home the message that more foreplay will lead to more sex and your guy will go along with most anything you request. Say, "If you kiss me the way you used to for three more minutes, it will really get me hot." He'll dive in for a make-out session pronto.

Stroke his ego. Think of a move he does well, tell him it drives you crazy, and ask for more of it-he'll cooperate.

Request, rather than demand; he's more likely to respond if he doesn't feel criticized. Better yet, show, don't tell: Take his hand and guide it in the way you like to be touched-the visuals of you getting aroused will be enough to make him pay attention.

9) A tropical vacation that doesn't cost a fortune

Break out your beach bag. Paradise can come cheap-and you don't even have to plan months in advance. Bookmark these websites:

site59.com lets you book up to three hours prior to your flight (five hours for international). By selling off packages that would otherwise go unbooked, the site can save you up to 70 percent!

11thhour.com is also procrastinator-friendly. You can even hold packages for 24 hours before purchasing, which is handy when you're not quite sure if your best friend prefers window or aisle.

If your dates are flexible, sign up at travelzoo.com for their “Top 20” weekly e-mail to learn about new deals as they become available.

10) An on-call tech guy for your home

Tired of tussling with tech support? Meet the Geek Squad. This 24-hour computer-support task force comes to your doorstep for a flat fee (varies with service) and rescues you from e-purgatory: whether it's a crashed computer ($99) or an iPod that just won't connect ($49). Geek Squad also offers computer help via the telephone, at stand-alone stores and at Geek Squad stations inside Best Buy stores. Hey, even the FBI (yep, that's right) has relied on these guys for tech support. Need we say more? geeksquad.com

11) A never-fail-you lipstick

Who wants to wade through the thousands of colors at the cosmetics counter? You need lipstick that looks great and you need it now. According to Ramy Gafni, New York City-based makeup artist, a berry shade with golden flecks works on everyone. What makes this hue so wearable? "It combines the same undertones found in every woman's natural lip color-blue, pink, and yellow," says Gafni. Get it: Ramy 2Lips Kiss and Tell, $21, or Sephora Super Shimmer Lip Gloss in Rosy Glow, $10.

12) The satisfaction of helping others (without becoming a UN Ambassador)

Have an itch to do some good? Go to volunteersolutions.org, type in your zip code, and choose a social issue that interests you. The site will match you up with a local organization dedicated to the same cause you are.

13) Find the cleanest stall in a public bathroom

Choose the first stall when you walk in. When there are three stalls in a row, most people choose the middle one so it's the dirtiest, says Charles Gerba, a microbiologist.

14) Jeans that fit perfectly

It's Goldilocks's worst fashion nightmare: Jeans are always too tight, too long, too short, or just too plain expensive. Land's End to the rescue: Go to landsend.com and fill out a brief profile, including your measurements, fabric choice, and style. Then, for only $54, you'll get custom jeans that are just right...for you!

15) A great-and believable-line to give your husband when he wants to have sex and you don't

"No, no, I'm into it, really. It's cool. Let me go wash up, Dad-I mean, Bob! Oh no, now I've ruined the moment."-Amy Sedaris

16) Find an umbrella that won't break

You were singing in the rain until your umbrella blew inside out and now you're decidedly...soggy. For the third time today. There is a solution: The Gustbuster's two layers of sturdy 190-thread count nylon are designed to prevent tears and allow air to flow through them, and can withstand winds of 55 m.p.h. or more. It's also backed by a lifetime guarantee. $25-45, gustbuster.com.

17) A foolproof hostess gift for under $20

What's a surefire way to be the best guest? Give your hostess flowers that are already arranged in a chic, simple vase-so she doesn't have to put her party on hold to rummage for one. Handmade from recycled paper and coated, PopVases come in a variety of colors. $6, Traffic Works, 323-582-0616.

18) Get a better price on anything

Know what you want and what it's worth. "A seller who's aware that you're guessing or bluffing will be unlikely to give an inch," advises Holden Lewis of Bankrate.com.

Be a little dramatic. Your "shocked" reaction to a price, even a reasonable one, could bring it down.

Enlist your guy for a little good cop/bad cop act. If a price on a big-ticket item (like a house or a car) isn't as low as you'd like, pretend he won't agree until the figure comes down.

Consider buying multiple items or services at once; a seller who won't budge on a single piece might be willing to cut you a break on a larger sale.

When all else fails, be ready to walk away. If a salesperson is willing to go lower, he'll make you another offer; if he's hit bottom, you can use his best price as a benchmark at another store.

19) Get flat abs in a day

We know, we know. We should have been doing 100 crunches a night for the past six months. But, well, um, we didn't. And now the wedding's this Saturday. Is there any hope? For flat abs tomorrow, "stay away from fruits, dairy, processed carbs, and excessive fats. They can make your body retain water and leave your tummy bloated," says trainer David Kirsch, owner of The Madison Square Club in New York City. We can't promise you'll look like Heidi Klum (one of David's clients), but your belly will be noticeably less noticeable.

20) Shoes that are stylish and comfortable

Think chic comfort is an oxymoron when it comes to your tootsies? Not with these brands!

* Geox, geox.com
* Aerosoles, aerosoles.com
* Faryl Robin, farylrobin.com

21) Get unconditional love

"The most likely path to receiving unconditional love is to give it. As some great philosophers-the Beatles-once said, 'The love you take is equal to the love you make.' It's also important to pick the right person. He doesn't have to be perfect, but he does have to have a track record of being present and loyal even during rough times."- REDBOOK Love Network expert David Wexler, Ph.D., executive director of the Relationship Training Institute.

22) Find a last-minute babysitter you can trust.

Your sitter's sick and Mary Poppins isn't likely to drift down anytime soon. These websites are the next best thing. Just type in your zip code and, for a fee (ranging from $40-50 for the first one to three months, $5-10 per month after that), they'll hook you up with reliable child care. Not a bad price to pay for peace of mind; the websites' detailed profiles list things like sitters' certifications (such as CPR), languages spoken, and whether or not they have transportation.

* Sittercity.com
* 4sitters.com
* babysitters.com

Live in an urban area? Parent-tested childcare resources in cities across the country are listed on gocitykids.com. Also, many colleges and universities have babysitting services that pair parents with their students. Check your local schools' websites or call their Office of Human Resources.

Love at work

How to get away with an office romance.

How to get away with an office romance. The potential for abuse isn't the only reason companies discourage office affairs, says Judith Sills, Ph.D.

Freud himself identified the two great arenas of human enterprise as Love and Work. But love at work is apparently considerably less great, at least in the mind of your boss. Across nearly every industry and organization, corporate will has attempted to stem the flood of affection—frowning, legislating, transferring, firing, and handbook holding against its inevitable tide. Why?

Three things really bother the work world: the potential for abuse, the potential for alliance, and (worst of all?) the potential for distraction. All three threaten the bottom line.

Abuse has rightly received the bulk of the effort to contain the human sexual impulse in the workplace. Potential abuse of power basically comes back to that age-old sexual question: Who gets to be on top? And how does that impact the person on the bottom? In the classic, corporate sexual position, he's on top, she reports in, and the question always lingers—did he use his strength to nudge her into place beneath him? And, once there, mightn't the pleasures she renders make an "objective annual review" something of a mockery?

Many may ultimately marry the boss, but the organization squirms until the ring is on the finger. Still, even where the possibility of exploitation is eliminated, discomfort with office dating is not. Even in the absence of formally stated policy, when the guy from Accounting and the woman who leads the New Products team start sleeping together, all of Accounting and Marketing (plus some of Sales, half of HR, and a few Production people who spend time on the other side) notice and react.

That reaction is not all negative. We pay attention because even vicarious romance is emotionally arousing in the way that the Frobisher account is not. But mild excitement might be an irritant to a boss who is, in her mind, paying an hour's pay for an hour's work. That hour did not include longing glances or the covert giggles of those who observe them.

Too, we pay attention because a new relationship alters office politics, and that might impact us personally. Two coworkers who become a couple immediately shift the power balance on the R&D team. These two have the potential to be a voting bloc or to act as an axis of support for one another. Strong friendships offer the same possibility of political alliance, but sexual liaisons are particularly adhesive—another reason bosses discourage them.

Further, in the family of the workplace, sexuality between allied employees is metaphoric incest. People who observe the relationship wriggle a little at the boundary violations suggested by love at the office.

The office affair makes every one of us a little more aware of the sexuality buttoned just beneath our suits. It is in the corporate interest to squelch that sexual awareness in the service of our personae as nonsexual colleagues. A flaming affair across the hall blows everyone's cover.

Everyone's, that is, but the two lovers, who tend to believe that no one knows the relationship even exists. This almost universal delusion allows office lovers to proceed with their affair as if it has no impact on the workplace. As with all psychological denial, its emotional advantage is that you get to do what feels good without regard to consequence. Unfortunately, if your relationship is in any way harmful to your work team, professional performance, or corporate culture, denial prevents you from mitigating those consequences.

Not every office romance has a negative impact. Some lead to lovely long-term relationships between consenting adults who are then doubly committed to the organization that serves as the setting for their deep affection. Some romances develop into marriages that function better because each partner has an intimate appreciation of the other's work life. And some office flings contribute to the complex histories and great friendships that make the workplace about something deeper and more satisfying than mere work.

But it can also do a shocking amount of damage. Love affairs end more often than not, and when the personal and professional overlap, the office affair can create heartbreak on steroids. Despite a profoundly altered relationship, continued contact may be unavoidable, prolonging—even utterly preventing—recovery.

Sheer awkwardness between the former lovers tends to jeopardize the career of one. Now you've lost your lover, your concentration, and possibly your job, a high price to pay for a failed shot at love—if that's what you both were aiming for in the first place.

Workplaces may sustain injury, too, regardless of the outcome for the lovers. Concerns about favoritism, suspicions about misuse of company time and resources, and a general resentment of people who are at the job but not on the job erode the climate of trust, focus, and commitment to excellence on which productivity depends. That's when love at the office can be a very unfriendly thing.

If one or both coworkers are married, then their colleagues become unwilling collaborators to infidelity. Some easily brush this aside as none of my business, but others—perhaps those who have a friendship with the unsuspecting spouse—are especially discomfited. And the behavior of the lovers matters a lot. Those who conduct themselves as grown-ups, who are as consistently professional in the office as they are passionate in private, do less harm to themselves and their colleagues than those who behave like teenagers in heat.

The prevailing winds at your workplace may matter the most. After all, we work as much for a culture as for a corporation and your ability to fit within your workplace's unwritten code matters. Generally speaking, if you are working in a publicly held company today, you have to be more careful about everything. If the company's making money, your private good times are apt to be more easily tolerated.

But as every manager, attractive single, or HR consultant has already discovered, romance at the office can, at best, only be held in check. No policies or lawsuits will ever eliminate it entirely. Nor, perhaps, should they. After all, work can be a very sexy place, and that's one of the unsung reasons why it's worth going there every day.

Go for It With Grace

Chances are that you—or your friend two cubicles over—will at least contemplate some form of an office romance. If so, keep in mind these guiding principles:

Absolutely no romance on company time. That means no cutesy, affectionate, or dirty e-mails; no after-hours sex in the office; no closed-door stolen moments; no tie straightening, crumb brushing, or other proprietary gestures. If you must have an office romance, don't have it at the office.

Don't take any unnecessary joint business trips and don't book adjoining rooms. If legitimate business throws you together and you want to take advantage of a discrete opportunity, fine. But never spend a penny of the company's money to further your affair.

Don't tell. Anyone. Don't gossip, confide, or give in to the delicious impulse to discuss your new love interest.

Don't buck the culture. If your company merely discourages office liaisons, then your discretion will make all the difference. But if your behavior contravenes explicit HR policy, get a grip and give up love. It'll cost you your job.

Originally published on March 1, 2007

7 Muscle-Building Strategies for Guys

Experts share strength-training tips that yield results quickly.

By Annabelle Robertson
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

If you're looking for quick muscle building, go no further than your local gym, where doctors say that major strength gains can be had in just a few weeks.

Last year, the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) and the American Heart Association updated their recommendations for physical activity. In addition to regular cardio workouts, Americans are now being encouraged to perform resistance training at least twice a week, working every major muscle group.

Spero Karas, MD, assistant professor of orthopaedics in the division of sports medicine at Emory University, says that testosterone, the male hormone responsible for muscle growth, maxes out between the ages of 16 and 18. It reaches a plateau during the 20s and then begins to decline. As a result, muscle building after the adolescent years can be challenging, he says.

Fortunately, a little strength training goes a long way -- particularly in the early days.

"When someone starts a fitness program, especially after not doing anything for awhile, the initial strength gains tend to be dramatic and quick," Karas says. "In the first 12 weeks, it's not uncommon for a guy to see a 10, 20 or 30 percent jump in strength."

During the first weeks of a new training regimen, strength gains come from the recruitment of new muscle fibers, which make the muscles stronger and more visible.

Even though muscle recruitment does not result in more muscle mass, says Karas, it will definitely make your muscles look bigger.

One reason is that muscles take in water and swell during training. Another is that muscles burn fat, which tends to make the muscle look more prominent.

After the first three months of strength training, muscle gain is much slower. At that point, you're aiming for an actual increase in muscle mass, which takes time to develop.

"After you've maximized the recruitment, you've reached the plateau, which is when the increase in strength and muscle mass becomes an arduous task," Karas says.

Whether you're committed to the long haul or just want some muscle-building tips, here are seven ways to maximize your gains.

(What have you done to try and build muscle in the past? What worked? Join the discussion on WebMD's Men’s Health: Man to Man board.)

1. Commit to some form of strength training.

Unfortunately, there are no easy shortcuts to good health, says Kent Adams, PhD, FACSM, CSCS, director of the exercise physiology lab at California State University Monterey Bay.

"You don't have to train like a maniac," he says. "Just start a reasonable, individualized resistance training plan."

For tips and workout plans, visit the web sites of organizations like the ACSM or the National Strength and Conditioning Association. If you don't have access to free weights, head for the weight machines or a cable system. Other alternatives include resistance bands, plyometrics, and calisthenics.

At a minimum, perform lunges, squats, and other exercises that work your quads and hamstrings, along with extra cardio activity that will prompt your legs to begin building muscle.

No matter which strength training method you choose, however, be sure that resistance levels (the amount of weight you use) and the number of repetitions you do are high enough to fatigue the muscle. Failure to do so, Adams says, will hinder growth. The ACSM recommends three sets of 8 to 12 reps for each exercise.

To speed up the process, make the most of your workout, and keep your heart rate and metabolism elevated, try "super-setting," says Lisa De Los Santos, a Cooper's-Institute-certified personal trainer at Vandenberg Air Force Base in Southern California.

She suggests one set each of two or three opposing muscle exercises. Rest, then do a second set of each exercise before moving on to the next group.

2. Alternate muscle groups.

Weight training creates tiny micro tears in muscles, which then repair and rebuild during periods of rest. Serious injury can result if muscles are not allowed adequate time to repair.

The ACSM recommends a three-day split as follows:

• Day one: Chest, triceps, and shoulders
• Day two: Lower body (quads, hamstrings, gluteals, hip abductors and adductors, and calves)
• Day three: Back, biceps, and abs

Feeling sore? Take an extra day or two -- or work a new muscle group. Don't forget delayed-onset muscle soreness, which can hit as late as 48 hours after a workout.

3. Drink plenty of water -- before and after workouts.

Adequate hydration is essential to muscle building, yet few people get enough water, even without daily exercise. So in addition to the daily 8 to 10 glasses of water recommended by the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, Karas suggests an additional 12 to 16 ounces before working out. He then recommends another 8 to 10 ounces for every 15 minutes of vigorous exercise.

Prefer sports drinks? Indulge only if you're exercising for more than an hour, when electrolyte depletion becomes more of a risk.

4. Eat a balanced diet.

Muscle building requires a careful balance of carbohydrates, fats, and protein as well as plenty of vitamins and minerals, all of which are best absorbed through food.

Avoid carbohydrate-heavy diets, which can cause insulin levels to spike and inhibit growth hormones that prompt muscle growth, says Karas. Instead, opt for five or six small, balanced meals every day. And if muscle building is your goal, don't use this time to diet.

"The body won't easily put on muscle if it is at a caloric deficit," explains De Los Santos.

Watch your fat intake, which should be no more than 30% of your total daily calories, and be sure to consume plenty of vitamin- and mineral-rich fruits and vegetables.

5. Get lots of protein.

"If you want to build muscle mass, the key is protein, protein, protein," says Karas. "Muscles are comprised of protein and you need the essential amino acids that are the building block of protein."

No time to cook? De Los Santos suggests high-protein snacks like cottage cheese, cheese sticks, protein bars, and protein shakes. Health and nutrition stores carry a variety of powders which can be mixed with water or low-fat milk for an energizing protein power punch between meals.

Other recommendations include turkey, cheese, and cracker snack packs as well as frozen or prepackaged diet foods that combine protein-rich choices with low-fat, low-complex carbohydrates.

6. Get enough sleep.

In addition to being linked to high blood pressure, depression, and other health problems, sleep deprivation can inhibit the growth hormone important for muscle building, says Karas. Recent studies have linked it to obesity as well.

How do you know you're getting enough to build muscle? People who are well rested feel alert and do not have the urge to nap, reports the CDC. The average adult needs between seven and eight hours of sleep, although some may need more.

7. Hire a trainer.

If you need information or motivation, consider hiring a personal trainer. Costs vary according to location and experience, but typically cost between $30 and $85 an hour.

A trainer doesn't need to be a long-term investment, however. According to De Los Santos, working with one for just three months is enough time to get comfortable in the gym, establish a routine, learn a variety of exercises, and see good results.

"A good trainer will educate while training and will not create long-term dependence," De Los Santos says. "Ideally, you'll learn the skills to either maintain your fitness level or work toward new goals."

Be sure your trainer is certified through a reputable fitness organization like the ACSM, the National Academy of Sports Medicine, or the American Council on Exercise and has an updated certification in CPR and/or first aid as well. You'll also want to hire someone you like, since you'll be spending at least an hour a week together.

I'm the other Woman.

WebMD Feature from Oprah.com

It's the side of the story we rarely get to hear. Former mistresses confess they've been the "other woman." Then, betrayed wives reveal the moment they found out.

It's the side of infidelity we rarely get to hear about -- from the "other woman."

Sarah says she met one of the married men she dated at a business dinner. "He was a very distinguished businessman, high-profile, a lot older than me," she says. "He pursued me very hard. He would phone me constantly, text messaging and calling." She says she's since dated "countless" other married men.

Melissa was married when she began seeing a married man she met in a coffee shop. "My husband thought our marriage was fine," she says. "I was always wanting an upgrade."

Crystal, who says she's dated two married men, says that one man would buy her lingerie and they'd meet at her apartment. "He would really like for me to be sexy for him," she says. "I felt I could offer him great sex, and that his wife could not offer him that."

Michelle says she began seeing a man in Las Vegas almost seven years ago. He was also seeing a longtime girlfriend, whom he eventually married.

After a brief breakup, Michelle started seeing him again -- and they're still dating. At first, it was strictly a physical relationship, Michelle says, but when she later moved to his town, the affair became emotional as well. "We ended up spending a lot more time together, so I got to know him at a deeper level. It was more about who he was, what he wanted, and it was a lot more intimate than it had been."

After her initial meeting in the coffee shop, Melissa says her affair continued, and they'd see each other three or four times a week. "The kids had soccer practice. I'd drop them off and run down to our spot," she says. "It was shielded by trees up above a road so it was completely secluded."

Crystal says when the man she was having an affair with told her about his home life, he made it sound like he wanted to leave. She says he told her the cost of divorce and alimony was holding him back. "I had fairy-tale dreams of us being a power couple, being a well-kept wife, and having the big home and fancy cars and a big diamond ring," she says. "But it was never going to be a reality."

Sarah says she heard a similar story from her lover. "He wanted a future with me -- so much so that he gave me a budget to go and look at properties, talked about settling down, talked about how he would explain to his other half that he was leaving, and when he was going to do it. He even rehearsed what he was going to say in front of me," she says. "Of course, nothing happened -- he couldn't leave her."

One thing many wives who have been cheated on wonder is if the "other woman" ever thought about them? Did they ever consider the other lives they may be hurting?

Melissa says the wife of the man she was seeing was an important element of her affair -- but not in the way you might expect. "She was a character of his life. She was an extension of him just like the kids, his friends or the rest of his family. She was just a part of his life that I accepted," she says. "In the very beginning it didn't bother me. But as I knew that she became suspicious, it started to bother me. I knew it was hurting somebody else."

Michelle says she has no interest in meeting the wife of her lover. "I don't know her name, what she does. I've never asked," she says. "I've never wanted to put a face to the person. I've never wanted to give her an identity."

Crystal says when she first started seeing a married man, she was never told about his marital status. "By the time I was emotionally invested, I found out that he was married," she says. "He was able to be with me physically so often, and she didn't question his whereabouts. I began to believe that she didn't care and that she was okay with it."

Sarah says she also didn't know for some time that she was dating a married man. "He was everything I looked for in a guy. I thought I'd found Mr. Perfect. So when he dropped the bombshell that he wasn't actually that available, I moved into another stage," she says. "I was deeply in love with him, and I thought if I kept going with this [affair] and being the person he'd fallen in love with, I could somehow win him away from his wife. I wanted to be number one. That was my challenge then."

Crystal's biggest regret about her affair is that it was a waste of her time. "All the time I was spending with him I could have made myself available to a man who could commit to me fully," she says. "I feel that my relationship was wrong and that there was no good that could come from it."

Oprah: I don't think I've ever said this on TV before, but your story really mirrors my own. In my 20s, I was involved with a married man, and it is one of my greatest regrets. I later found out that the married man also had another "other woman." It is such a powerless position to be in. I don't have a whole lot of regrets in my life, but I regret it because of how pathetic it made me as a woman. I regret it not only because I was pathetic, but because of what I did to his wife. I didn't think about his wife, I believed what he was telling me, I believed the lies that he was telling me about her. I look back at that time in my life and feel not that he was responsible in any way, because I always had the choice.

Crystal: I had painted a picture of what his wife looked like based on everything he told me. I actually had a chance to meet her once, and she was beautiful and poised and she was just the opposite of the picture he painted. I guess that was my aha! moment.

Oprah: Of course, because no husband is going to say, "My wife is really beautiful, and she's really good to me, and things are really going well at home, and everything's lovely. I'm just using you." Which is the truth.

Although Michelle says she has a problem with having an affair, she doesn't plan on ending the extra-marital affair. She says she even hopes to marry him one day. "People say, 'Well, he's cheated on his wife. He'll cheat on you,'" she says. "It could happen -- I would take that chance on him in a heartbeat."

Dr. Michelle Callahan, a psychologist and relationship expert, says Michelle needs to look within herself to figure out why she's involved with a married man. "You really need to put yourself in touch with what's happened in your past, what you were told about yourself, or what you think about yourself today that would allow you to put yourself in this secondary position," she says.

Michelle says she's happy with her situation, but Dr. Callahan says these "toxic relationships" can damage a woman's self-worth. "It makes you less powerful," she says. "You have the power to change it. You made the choice to get into it, and you can make the choice to get out."

For almost two years, Sarah says she and the married man she was dating kept their relationship a secret. When the time came to make a decision, he chose his wife over her. "I was discarded," she says. "I had nowhere to go."

To cope with her heartbreak, Sarah says she began writing in a diary. The diary slowly evolved into a book, Having an Affair?: A Handbook for the Other Woman. "If I can help one woman not go through what I went through and waste so much time, then my work is done," she says.

Dr. Callahan says men get away with this behavior because they have women figured out. "They know how to prey on women's vulnerabilities and how to give them that emotional attention," she says. "They'll give you what you want so they can get what they want."

Mistresses aren't the only ones left heartbroken by cheating husbands. Catherine's marriage ended after her husband strayed.

Catherine says she discovered her husband was cheating when he came home one night with lipstick on his lips -- but that wasn't her first clue. Once, when the couple was taking a road trip, Catherine's husband refused to answer his cell phone while she was in the car. "When we stopped for gas, I caught him checking his phone and talking to someone," she says. "I said, 'I bet that's not a friend. I bet that's a woman.'"

Catherine stayed with her husband despite her suspicions of his infidelity, until the day the sheriff knocked on the door. "[He] served him child support papers," she says. "He knew it was coming, and he just opted not to tell me." Catherine says she had no idea her husband had a child with another woman.

"I proceeded to try to knock his front tooth out," she says. "[Then], I decided it was time to leave."

Teryl says she found out her husband -- the worship leader at their church -- was having an affair when she overheard a suspicious telephone conversation. "I walked in and heard him say to her, 'I wish you weren't working today, because I'd try to buzz out to see you for a while,'" she says. "I instantly knew something wasn't right, and my heart started pounding."

At the time, Teryl was pregnant with their fourth child, the couple's first son.

Although Teryl says she was devastated by the affair, she fought to save her marriage. When her husband decided to leave, she says she grabbed him by the ankles and tried to prevent him from walking out of the door. "I held onto him because he really represented my dreams, my life," she says. "He was a part of me. It was like my life was ending."

Teryl's divorce is now final, and they have joint custody of their children. "He takes his time with them and he does a good job with them, and I'm thankful for that," she says.

Teryl says she holds her husband responsible for his mistakes, but she also blames the other woman. She wrote a letter to her husband's mistress to express her pain. The letter read:

What can I possibly say to the woman who has aided in the demise of my life? I wish I could stand in front of you to voice these thoughts so you could see the real person in me, the real tears that fall, and the real pain I have endured. As a woman, I can't possibly understand how you are comfortable with completely tearing apart our family. If your relationship with a married man is all you've ever dreamt for yourself, then you haven't set your aspirations high enough. You are worth more than a man who would leave his entire family and his entire life.

When Candi discovered that her husband was cheating, she didn't get mad -- she got a lawyer.

After finding steamy love letters and racy photos the other woman sent her husband, Candi says she decided to sue the mistress for alienation of affection. She won and was awarded $500,000 but ultimately settled for $50,000.

Since most states have no-fault divorce, Candi says she couldn't sue her husband, so she went after the woman who she says actively pursued him.

"I think they first met in a bar out of town and nothing happened, but she chose to send him a Christmas card," Candi says. "He obviously bit, so she kept writing. Initially, she would say things like, 'I know you're married with three children, and we can just be friends, but I really enjoyed meeting you.' Then [the letters] became more graphic. [She said] that she could fly to our town any time, and then described sexual acts she'd like to perform if only they could be together."

Why did Candi decide to take legal action? "At the time, I felt so humiliated and devastated," she says. "It looked like an opportunity for redemption in a way, just to stand up for myself and my family."

Dr. Callahan says many men cheat because they want to escape reality and play out their sexual fantasies. To keep men from straying, Dr. Callahan says there are a few things women can do at home.

Start by taking care of yourself, being sexually open and synching communication styles with your partner. Also, couples should keep dating, even after they're married.

"Don't get so comfortable and so settled that you forget to go out and forget to go to the movies, go to dinner and get dressed up," Dr. Callahan says. "Don't just go in your baggy pants and the flip-flops. Dress up like you would on any other date. Remember, it's the other woman who is out on a date giggling and saying, 'Oh, you're so funny. You're so cute.'"

If nothing seems to make your man faithful, don't blame yourself. "If you're already doing that and you end up with a man who is a serial cheater, then maybe it's time to think about moving on," Oprah says. "It's really all on him."

Originally published on October 1, 2007

Food Relationships - Is Yours Healthy?

My Relationship With Food: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do - But So Worth It

By Diana Potter
WebMD Weight Loss Clinic-Feature

Newsflash: "This just in -- Diana Potter wants the world to know the truth about her longstanding on-and-off relationship with food. In a hastily called press conference following the explosive announcement that she's ending her career as a professional overeater, Potter said today:

'Despite the swirl of rumors surrounding my relationship with Rich Food, it is not true that we are getting a divorce. We remain good friends, and we will continue to have respect and even affection for each other. However, the excitement and magic are gone, and we've agreed it's time to move on.'

"Stay tuned as we follow the twists and turns of this absorbing human drama being played out under the bright glare of public scrutiny."

Yes, the excitement and magic of uncontrollably stuffing myself with food are gone now. But what a ride it was! I vividly remember the passions my "forbidden love" for food aroused in me: desire, ecstasy, despair -- a classic romantic rollercoaster.

Only it was a roller-coaster with only me on it. A wild ride, yes. But a lonely one.

Meanwhile, during the many years I lived this way, the vast, incredibly rich drama and excitement of real life -- friends, interests, love, social activities, growth toward goals -- went on. And finally the day came when a tiny voice from the deepest part of my mind and heart broke through to protest my fat, lonely life. At last, I began to want more.

It took awhile, though, for that tiny voice of reason to strengthen until it could override the unreasoning fears that food and fat had helped me control for so long. But in therapy, I gradually began to respond to it.

I've told you about some of the first actions I took to express my growing desire for change: reading self-help books, writing down my feelings, even loving teddy bears as a step toward having the courage to love the people around me -- and to let them know it.

Finally one day I presented myself for therapy, scared of revealing how "bad" I was, fearful of criticism, and amazed that I was actually taking the chance of reaching out to an "other" for help after keeping my distance from others for so long.

But it was time. And so, as I made progress in understanding my emotional eating, I happily discovered I wasn't "bad." I was just me, a person who had made certain choices for getting along in life that worked, yes, but at a cost I no longer wanted, or had, to bear. I found I could make other choices now that would work better.

And I did. Slowly, sometimes painfully, I became able to envision a happy, satisfying life without my "love relationship" with food. A life without my love! The idea of it scared me until I realized that by not letting other people get close to me, I'd been living a kind of "life without love" all along.

Oh how I wanted a real life once I opened my eyes to it! As my wanting grew stronger, I began a gradual but lasting shift away from wanting food to wanting closeness with others as well as love and respect for myself.

But I needed to consider something else along the way: When I came to realize how much my fat had meant to me over the years, I couldn't just turn off my feelings about it. One evening I found myself actually talking to my fat. I did something I've heard people sometimes do when a dying loved one is holding on to life out of concern for the feelings of those who will be left behind: I gave my fat permission to leave me. I thanked it for being there when I didn't have other ways to take care of myself. I told it that leaving me now was okay, I'd be all right. And I told my fat I loved it, as an important part of myself, and would continue to love it and myself after it was gone.

As time passed, I steadily lost weight. My formerly uncontrollable cravings went away, and I experienced a sense of peace I hadn't known in all the years of my life.

Just one little (ha!) food-related problem remained: I still needed to eat. How was I going to keep a former love interest around without drifting back into its dangerously passionate embrace?

This proved to be more difficult than I'd expected. Even after I "graduated" from therapy, I still thought about food. And I still liked to eat a lot of it when a good meal presented itself. I wondered if these things were more or less in the normal range, or if I was in danger of slipping back into overeating and getting fat.

So I went back to my therapist and presented her with my concerns. As we talked, I realized I'd been expecting to put food on a further-back burner than was really possible. Of course I thought about food, especially when I was hungry, as everyone does. As for eating a lot of something I liked, I did need to watch out there, but not because I was craving the food -- I wasn't. It was because like everyone else, if I ate more than I needed, I'd gain weight! What a concept!

Bottom line: It was still early in my process of growing out of a powerfully compelling lifetime habit. I needed to relax and give myself time to adjust to what in fact has proved to be real and lasting change.

This is the last chapter in this series. I hope that some of what I experienced in breaking free from emotional eating may be helping you do it, too.

If you answered the self-questions accompanying the chapters in this series, you may have a strengthened sense that your emotional eating and your fat are concealing things about yourself that you want to know. From my experience, the people who can help are out there now -- and they'll be there to help and support you whenever you're ready to begin your quest. Good luck!

Men vs. Women: Whose Memory Is Worse?

Study Shows Older Men More Likely to Have Memory Problems Than Older Women

By Kathleen Doheny
WebMD Medical News

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

April 16, 2008 -- Men have a reputation for having a bad memory, forgetting birthdays or anniversaries -- or so the stereotype goes. Now, a new study lends some science to the stereotype, at least for older men.

Men 70-plus are more likely than women in that age range to have memory problems and other cognitive impairments, according to researchers from the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., who presented the finding this week at the American Academy of Neurology 60th annual conference in Chicago.

The research team evaluated what is known as mild cognitive impairment, a transition stage between normal cognitive functioning and dementia, in 1,969 men and women ages 70 to 89. Having mild cognitive impairment increases the risk of getting Alzheimer's disease over the next few years, but not everyone with mild cognitive impairment gets Alzheimer's.

"We found that the prevalence of mild cognitive impairment was higher in men than in women," says Rosebud Roberts, MD, an associate professor of epidemiology at Mayo Clinic and a study co-investigator.

Men were 1.6 times as likely as women to have the cognitive problems, she says.

Men, Women, and Memory

Previous studies have tried to evaluate which sex has the better memory. But the research looking at sex differences in memory and other cognitive function has yielded mixed results, Roberts tells WebMD.

"Some studies have reported sex differences in mild cognitive impairment," she says, "but the reports have been inconsistent."

Roberts and her colleagues randomly selected residents from Olmsted County, Minn., who were ages 70 to 89 at the start of the study in 2004. The researchers administered cognitive tests, had a physician examine them, and interviewed them.

The researchers also talked to someone who knew each participant well, such as their spouse, to ask about cognitive functioning. Then they classified them as having normal cognition, mild impairment, or dementia.

In all, 16.7% had mild cognitive impairment, Roberts found. Men were 1.6 times more likely than women to have mild cognitive impairment, even after factoring in such variables as age and marital status.

Second Opinion

The study is scientifically sound, according to Sam Gandy, MD, PhD, chairman of the medical and scientific advisory council for the Alzheimer's Association, who reviewed the study for WebMD.

But the increased risk found in the study for men should be put in perspective, he says. For instance, carrying a gene known as the apoE4 allele boosts the risk of getting Alzheimer's, he says. "The gender effects still take a back seat to the genetic effects [of getting dementia] in terms of magnitude," he says.

Both men and women can improve their lifestyles to reduce their risk of dementia, says Gandy. He cites a recent study in which having belly fat as an adult boosted the risk of dementia later.

"As for recommendations [to reduce risk], for now, diet and lifestyle remain the mainstays," he says. The Alzheimer's Association recommends staying active mentally, socially, and physically, as well as adopting a "brain-healthy" diet.

To qualify as brain-healthy, a diet should be low in fat and cholesterol and be rich in dark vegetables and fruits.

Interpreting the Findings

The new findings are at odds with some studies that have concluded women have more dementia than men, Roberts says. She isn't certain how to interpret the findings thoroughly yet. The findings may suggest that men have a delayed progression from mild impairment to dementia or that women stay in the mild-impairment transition phase more briefly, progressing more quickly than men do to dementia, she says.

The risk factors for mild impairment (such as advancing age) may be different for men, she also speculates, or they may occur at different phases of life for men than for women.

"A person with mild cognitive impairment might have problems with memory, making decisions, or problem solving, or problems with language, like finding a [right] word," Roberts says.

These difficulties are "not severe enough to affect social functioning or work," she says. "It's not something you would notice if you didn't live closely with them."

"I Hate Asking for Help"

WebMD Feature from "Good Housekeeping" Magazine

By Cynthia Hanson

It's the four-letter word no woman likes to utter. How to ask for what you need.

It wasn’t until Kathleen Hornstein realized that she couldn’t move her legs that she finally broke down and asked for help. A 34-year-old Pilates instructor and mom of two, Hornstein was pregnant with twins, and despite being overextended and overtired, she had barely slowed down and prided herself on being able to handle anything that came her way. Then, during her second trimester, as she sat on the basement steps one day talking to her husband and her brother while they hung drywall, she suddenly discovered that she couldn’t stand up. “It felt like my hip and thigh had dislocated,” recalls the West Chicago, IL, mom, now 39. “I was shocked — and scared! — and glad people I could count on were there.”

Minutes later, Hornstein was able to support herself again, but the brief experience of dependence was a wake-up call for her: “My body — and my life — were undergoing rapid changes. I realized I’d need to reconsider my attitude about asking for help if I wanted things to run smoothly — especially after we became a family of six.”

Hornstein’s reluctance to reach out is all too common in our culture, where self-reliance is a revered, ingrained habit, says life coach M. Nora Klaver, author of Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need. “Being on the receiving end of a helping hand seems harder for women because we’re raised to be caregivers,” she says. “Asking for care ourselves feels like a personal failure.” In a recent survey of 100 former clients, Klaver found that seven out of 10 had wanted help at least once during the previous week but hadn’t been able to bring themselves to make the request.

Like Klaver’s clients, most of us deal with our daily burdens and serious crises on our own, often winding up isolated and overwhelmed. The alternative would be to admit to ourselves — and others — that we’re not perfect. But we’d rather keep up the appearance of being in control, says psychologist Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D., author of Outsmart Your Brain. “Our resistance is about maintaining our own self-concept,” she explains. “It may often take a life-changing event like pregnancy or a medical emergency to teach us that even the most competent women can use a little help sometimes.”

But why wait for a crisis? We’ve culled the top five excuses women make to justify their reluctance to ask for aid — and the experts’ analysis of what’s really going on behind these bogus rationales. Read on, then grasp a helping hand.

Excuse #1 “I Don’t Want to Look Weak”

On his first day of kindergarten, Joy Stewart’s son brought home a raft of paperwork, but only one document gave her pause: the emergency-contact form, on which she had to name someone who could pick Joshua up at school if she or her husband couldn’t be reached. “My family and friends aren’t available during school hours, so I didn’t have many options,” says Stewart, 41, a real estate agent and mom of two in North Wales, PA. “I wanted to ask my neighbor Nancy but we weren’t close — we just smiled and waved across the cul-de-sac. I figured she’d see me as pathetic and think, Why is Joy asking me? Doesn’t she have any friends?”

Turning to others in times of need should not be a source of shame. Rather, it’s a sign of strength and smarts because it means you know what you can and can’t handle and that you’re planning ahead to get everything done regardless. “But asking for help can reveal things about yourself that you may not be proud of or happy with,” Klaver says. “In Joy’s case, she didn’t like admitting that she didn’t have anyone she could call on to help her out.” To avoid falling into a similar trap, remind yourself that asking for help strengthens social bonds. “When you make yourself vulnerable, others open up in return,” Klaver points out.

Stewart agonized for two weeks, and then, finally, the day before the form was due, she mustered the courage to approach Nancy. Not surprisingly, Nancy happily agreed to be her emergency contact. “I wish I’d asked sooner, because it would have spared me a lot of angst,” Stewart says. “I wasted so much energy — and if Nancy had said no, I wouldn’t have had any backup plan.” A bonus to Stewart’s outreach: The two women now are friends and regularly chat together.

Excuse #2 “I Don’t Want to Impose on My Friends”

When Sharon Marcus moved to New York City from San Francisco, her good friend Anita volunteered to come paint her new apartment and do minor repairs. Marcus wanted to learn those skills and knew she would enjoy working with her friend. Still, “it seemed like a terrible imposition to ask her to take time off from her job, fly across the country, and spend a long weekend working on my new place,” says Marcus, 41, an English professor. She fretted for a week about whether or not to take Anita up on the offer.

She needn’t have, says Reynolds. “Ultimately, it’s up to the other person to decide whether your request crosses the line.” Most people like to be helpful, especially if you’ve given them a hand in the past. If you’re not sure, then before you reach out, ask yourself if the friendship could withstand a “no.”

When Marcus finally followed up, Anita gladly agreed to help; as it turned out, she was eager to see her friend. The two enjoyed a whirlwind weekend of painting and reminiscing, transforming Marcus’s apartment. Marcus also learned enough to go it alone with a paintbrush and small tools. “Anita’s help actually made me need less assistance on other projects,” she says.

Whenever you ask for a significant favor, acknowledge that it’s a big deal (“I know I’m asking a lot”) and give the person permission to decline up front (“I understand if it’s too much and you can’t do it”). And of course, give assurances that you’ll return the favor when she needs it.

Excuse #3 “I’ll Look Incompetent”

When she took her job as director of career services at a liberal arts college, Kim Heitzenrater knew there’d be a learning curve. Nonetheless, during her first three months, whenever students asked her questions about applying to graduate programs, she researched the information herself, even though it would have been much faster and easier to check directly with faculty advisors. “I was afraid that if I asked too many questions, the dean would think he’d made a mistake in hiring me,” says Heitzenrater, 40, a mother of two in Sewanee, TN.

While Heitzenrater’s attitude is common, particularly in the workplace, not tapping others’ knowledge is counterproductive, says Karissa Thacker, Psy.D., a New York City management psychologist who specializes in career issues: “Everybody expects you to ask technical questions.” Heitzenrater ultimately reached the same conclusion. “I wasted too much time looking up everything myself,” she admits. “If I’d asked my colleagues for help early on, I would have gotten up to speed on the job faster and developed relationships with them sooner.”

Asking your boss and coworkers for assistance — tips on shortcuts, a deadline extension, even feedback — doesn’t signal incompetence. On the contrary, says Thacker, “You may feel vulnerable, but what you’re really saying is, ‘I want to do the job right, and I understand the value of teamwork and cooperation.’”

To switch your mind-set, first, recognize that today’s workplace is more collaborative than it used to be. Even if you haven’t been formally assigned to a work team, it’s likely that you’ll need an occasional assist from your peers to do your job. Second, practice asking for help (and giving it) every day so that it starts to feel natural, Thacker recommends.

Excuse #4 “It Won’t Get Done Right if I Don’t Do It Myself”

“Some women won’t accept help because it means surrendering control,” Reynolds says. Case in point: Lori Reidel, 52, of Cincinnati, who didn’t trust other parents to drive her son, Logan. She chauffeured him almost everywhere, even though it meant paying for extra gas and losing the time and flexibility that come with carpooling. “But if I’d let Logan ride in someone else’s car and something happened, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself,” Reidel explains. “Primal parental fear is understandable,” comments Reynolds, “but that unbending attitude is unrealistic and unhealthy for child and mother.”

Accepting a helping hand requires an active leap of faith that everything will turn out OK. “You must stand up to the fear and mentally take it down,” Reynolds explains. “Tell yourself, ‘This is an irrational fear. I will accept help for one week; if I can’t handle it, then I’ll make a different choice next week.’” Another mental trick: Remember other occasions when you felt anxious about letting go but that turned out fine — the first time you left your child with a babysitter, for instance.

When her son, now 14, started seventh grade, Reidel heard about a new carpool down the street, and she took a deep breath and joined. The result has been win-win: Logan has become pals with the other kids and Reidel has gained more time — and more trust in the other parents.

Relinquishing lesser tasks may be easier, but it also requires an honest evaluation of costs and benefits. Is it better to let your 9-year-old make his bed badly or to take the time to do it yourself? After a party, does it make more sense to let guests help you clean up or to stay up by yourself washing dishes? Finally, Reynolds says, ask yourself this, “Is it the end of the world if my son’s bed looks sloppy or my margarita glasses aren’t perfectly lined up?” Focus on what you stand to gain — a lighter workload; more time for your kids; a chance to bond with your friends.

Excuse #5 “I Was Raised to Be Self-Sufficient”

When her husband went away on a five-day business trip last September, Isadora Fox, 39, of Austin, couldn’t bring herself to call on a neighbor — even just to watch her 4-year-old daughter, Sasha, for 90 minutes while she prepared for two big exams. Fox, who works part-time as a writer while she studies to become a nurse-practitioner, also had three major deadlines and sole responsibility for driving Sasha to preschool, swimming, gymnastics, and a birthday party. To get everything done, she stayed up until 2 every night, even though she was five months pregnant. “I chose to be a mother, go back to school, and work part time,” Fox says, “so I thought I should suck it up and handle everything myself, because this is what I signed up for.” Instead, she collapsed with a nasty sinus infection.

Subduing an independent-to-a-fault streak takes soul-searching. Try to shift your focus from self-reliance to self-care, understanding that doing what’s best for you will give you strength to care for others. Edit your mental self-talk about independence by telling yourself it’s nothing but a self-imposed, self-limiting mantra.

That strategy worked for Fox. “I started thinking about how I do favors for other people,” she says. “I don’t think worse of them for needing some assistance, and I’m sure that none of my friends and neighbors would mind helping me.” A few months later, when her husband was away during her final exams, Fox asked a friend to babysit for three hours one night while she studied. “I still won’t call someone for help because I’m just tired,” Fox says. “But I will in an emergency — and being eight months pregnant and in the throes of finals counts!”

And what of Kathleen Hornstein? Today, she usually doesn’t hesitate to request the assistance she needs either, whether it’s sending her husband grocery shopping, tapping her daughter to fold laundry, or asking a neighbor to babysit her 4-year-old twins. The result: She’s more relaxed and less frazzled. Better yet, Hornstein says, is seeing the positive impact her requests have had. “My kids are learning responsibility and getting a feeling of accomplishment when they do small chores. And from carpooling, I’ve gotten to know other moms and deepened some existing friendships. I had to learn to ask for help, but now, I can’t imagine living my life any other way.”

Stressed? Grab Your Own Slice of Bliss

Stress: Busted!

WebMD Feature from "Women's Health" Magazine

By the Editors of Women’s Health

Sanity-saving strategies you can use right now

1. Work Pressures
Change your schedule.

When most people get in to work, they check their e-mail and voice mail. Save it for later. Spend your first hour, when you're the sharpest, on creative and strategic thinking. While you're at it, break down your day into specific tasks, rather than trying to juggle everything. Studies now show that a 50-minute task takes four times as long if you juggle too many tasks at once. "Are you a starter of all and finisher of none?" asks Julie Morgenstern, author of Making Work Work. If you can, pick one day a week to leave 30 minutes earlier than usual. "It feels like corporate suicide," Morgenstern says, but allowing yourself that early exit will keep you on deadline and make you hyperfocused to complete jobs more efficiently.

2. Personal Pressures
Change the habit, not the world.

Destressing isn't about eliminating all of your stresses; it's about getting control of them, one at a time. To do that, you should make micro-adjustments in your life, not big ones that eventually add more stress, says Stan Goldberg, Ph.D., author of Ready To Learn. "What's important is whatever [changes you make to your routine] need to be small enough so that there is a minimal amount of difference between what you've been doing and what you now do," Dr. Goldberg says. If you're working on being prompt, get to every appointment—not just to work—5 minutes earlier than normal. Successful change is permanent, not dramatic.

3. Self Care
Eat the antistress diet.

When you're in stress mode, your insides produce more chemical reactions than Marie Curie's lab—you experience surges of the hormone cortisol and sugar levels that spike and plummet, which can leave you feeling under pressure and sluggish. Counteract those reactions with the right foods, says Elizabeth Somer, R.D., author of The Food & Mood Cookbook. For breakfast, avoid sugary cereals or breakfast bars and eat whole-grain cereal and a piece of fruit. Then pop a vitamin with at least 500 milligrams (mg) of calcium and 250 mg of magnesium. Magnesium, which is flushed out when stress rushes in, helps regulate those cortisol levels. For a snack, the crunch of veggie sticks or carrots helps release a clenched jaw and the tension headache you can get as a result of stress. Before bed, go with a light carbohydrate-rich snack, like toast and jam, to quicken the release of the feel-good hormone serotonin, which will help you sleep better.

4. Personal Power
Always avoid "always".

One of the biggest booby traps in your life is overgeneralizing—first dates never work out, she always gets promotions before me, he always arrives at least 5 minutes late. Unconsciously, using "always" and "never" steers you away from feeling that you have any control over changing the things that stress or worry you, says Daniel Amen, M.D., author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.

5. Emotional Symptoms
Schedule your emotions.

If we let it, stress can eat away at us like a squirrel with a nut. That constantly worried mentality impedes decision-making, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., author of Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life. She suggests you write down what you're worried about, then set aside some quiet time (say 30 minutes) to figure out solutions. That way, worrying won't disrupt your work, and you'll be able to think through the answers.

Forgive and Forget

It's not always easy, but the benefits of forgiving -- and 'forgetting' -- can be powerful. Here are some tips.

By Tom Valeo
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Cynthia Dennison Haines, MD

Many people view forgiveness as an offshoot of love -- a gift given freely to those who have hurt you.

Forgiveness, however, may bring enormous benefits to the person who gives that gift, according to recent research. If you can bring yourself to forgive and forget, you are likely to enjoy lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a drop in the stress hormones circulating in your blood, studies suggest. Back pain, stomach problems, and headaches may disappear. And you’ll reduce the anger, bitterness, resentment, depression, and other negative emotions that accompany the failure to forgive.

Of course, forgiving is notoriously difficult. “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive,” said C.S. Lewis.

And forgetting may not be a realistic or desirable goal.

“Despite the familiar cliche, ‘forgive and forget,’ most of us find forgetting nearly impossible,” says Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Hope College. “Forgiveness does not involve a literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers the true though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stir up contempt.”

Forgiving (and Forgetting) Quells Stress

That type of angry “embellishment,” as Witvliet calls it, seems to carry serious consequences. In a 2001 study, she monitored the physiological responses of 71 college students as they either dwelled on injustices done to them, or imagined themselves forgiving the offenders.

“When focused on unforgiving responses, their blood pressure surged, their heart rates increased, brow muscles tensed, and negative feelings escalated,” she says. “By contrast, forgiving responses induced calmer feelings and physical responses. It appears that harboring unforgiveness comes at an emotional and a physiological cost. Cultivating forgiveness may cut these costs.”

But how do we cultivate forgiveness?

Frederic Luskin, PhD, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, readily admits that forgiveness, like love, can’t be forced.

“You can’t just will forgiveness,” says Luskin, author of Forgive For Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. “What I teach is that you can create conditions where forgiveness is more likely to occur. There are specific practices we offer that diminish hostility and self-pity, and increase positive emotions, so it becomes more likely that a genuine, heartfelt release of resentment will occur.”

How to Encourage Forgiveness

For example, Luskin encourages the practice of gratitude -- the active effort to acknowledge what’s good in your life.

“Gratitude is simply focusing your attention on the positive things that have happened,” he says. “That creates a biochemical experience that makes it more likely that forgiveness will occur.”

Stress management, whether through meditation, deep breathing, or relaxation exercises, also helps quell the stress of anger and resentment, he says. So does “cognitive reframing,” which fosters acceptance of the facts of your situation..

“You may wish you had a better mother or a better lover,” Luskin says, “but the world is the way it is.”

Finally, Luskin encourages people to change the story they tell themselves so they appear more like survivors who are hopeful about the future rather than victims with a grievance.

“You can change, ‘I hate my mother because she didn’t love me,’ to, ‘life is a real challenge for me because I didn’t feel loved as a child,’” Luskin said. “That makes forgiveness so much more possible.”

Two Types of Forgiveness

Everett L. Worthington Jr., PhD, a professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University and the author of Forgiveness and Reconciliation:

Theory and Applications, divides forgiveness into two types. Decisional forgiveness involves choosing to let go of angry thoughts about the person you feel has wronged you.

“You can tell yourself, ‘I am not going to seek revenge,’ for example, or, ‘I am going to avoid that person,’” Worthington says. “You could choose decisional forgiveness and still have a lot of emotional unforgiveness.”

The ultimate goal, however, is emotional forgiveness, in which negative emotions such as resentment, bitterness, hostility, hatred, anger, and fear are replaced with love, compassion, sympathy, and empathy.

“Emotional forgiveness is where the health action is,” says Worthington. “Emotional unforgiveness causes a chronic stress response, which results in obsessing about the wrong done to you. Rumination is what gets people into trouble. Rumination is the mental health bad boy. It’s associated with almost everything bad in the mental health field -- obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, depression … probably hives too.”

REACH for Forgiveness

To help people achieve emotional forgiveness, Worthington has devised a 5-step program called REACH, with each letter representing one step.

“First you recall the hurt objectively, without blame and self-victimization,” Worthington says. “Then you empathize by trying to imagine the viewpoint of the person who wronged you. The altruistic part involves getting people to think about a time they were forgiven and how that felt.

When it’s time to commit to forgiveness, people usually say, not yet, but when they finally do, they must then hold on to forgiveness.”

All this is not merely theoretical for Worthington. His mother was beaten to death with a crowbar in 1995, and yet, by applying the five steps of REACH, he managed to forgive.

“Within 30 hours I was able to forgive the youths who had committed this horrible crime,” he writes in Forgiveness and Reconciliation.

When Not Forgiving Is OK

But some people cannot forgive, and that’s OK too, according to Jeanne Safer, PhD, a psychotherapist and the author of Forgiving and Not Forgiving. For some of her patients, recognizing that they don’t have to forgive is a huge relief.

“Many don’t have to forgive in order to resolve their feelings,” Safer says. “They say, ‘I can never feel OK about these terrible things, but I’m not going to be vengeful.’”

To help them achieve this resolution, Safer offers a three-step process. The first step involves re-engagement -- a decision to think through what happened. The second step, recognition, means looking at every feeling you may have about the injury. “You ask yourself, ‘why do I want revenge?’” Safer said. “Revenge is based on powerlessness and it’s doomed to failure.”

The final step involves reinterpretation of the injury, including an attempt to understand the person who caused it. “This is where forgivers and nonforgivers divide,” Safer said. “Sometimes you’re not able to reconnect with the person, but if you go through this process, at least you won’t be a victim.”

Forgiveness research proliferated after the publication in 1984 of Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, by Lewis B. Smedes, who claimed that forgiveness produced benefits for the forgiver.

Safer, however, is wary of those who picked up on this idea and started to promote what she calls “promiscuous forgiveness.”

"What’s important is working it through and achieving resolution, whether it leads to forgiveness or not. Forgiveness involves wishing the other well. You’re already there if you don’t wish them ill,” Safer says.