Love at work

How to get away with an office romance.

How to get away with an office romance. The potential for abuse isn't the only reason companies discourage office affairs, says Judith Sills, Ph.D.

Freud himself identified the two great arenas of human enterprise as Love and Work. But love at work is apparently considerably less great, at least in the mind of your boss. Across nearly every industry and organization, corporate will has attempted to stem the flood of affection—frowning, legislating, transferring, firing, and handbook holding against its inevitable tide. Why?

Three things really bother the work world: the potential for abuse, the potential for alliance, and (worst of all?) the potential for distraction. All three threaten the bottom line.

Abuse has rightly received the bulk of the effort to contain the human sexual impulse in the workplace. Potential abuse of power basically comes back to that age-old sexual question: Who gets to be on top? And how does that impact the person on the bottom? In the classic, corporate sexual position, he's on top, she reports in, and the question always lingers—did he use his strength to nudge her into place beneath him? And, once there, mightn't the pleasures she renders make an "objective annual review" something of a mockery?

Many may ultimately marry the boss, but the organization squirms until the ring is on the finger. Still, even where the possibility of exploitation is eliminated, discomfort with office dating is not. Even in the absence of formally stated policy, when the guy from Accounting and the woman who leads the New Products team start sleeping together, all of Accounting and Marketing (plus some of Sales, half of HR, and a few Production people who spend time on the other side) notice and react.

That reaction is not all negative. We pay attention because even vicarious romance is emotionally arousing in the way that the Frobisher account is not. But mild excitement might be an irritant to a boss who is, in her mind, paying an hour's pay for an hour's work. That hour did not include longing glances or the covert giggles of those who observe them.

Too, we pay attention because a new relationship alters office politics, and that might impact us personally. Two coworkers who become a couple immediately shift the power balance on the R&D team. These two have the potential to be a voting bloc or to act as an axis of support for one another. Strong friendships offer the same possibility of political alliance, but sexual liaisons are particularly adhesive—another reason bosses discourage them.

Further, in the family of the workplace, sexuality between allied employees is metaphoric incest. People who observe the relationship wriggle a little at the boundary violations suggested by love at the office.

The office affair makes every one of us a little more aware of the sexuality buttoned just beneath our suits. It is in the corporate interest to squelch that sexual awareness in the service of our personae as nonsexual colleagues. A flaming affair across the hall blows everyone's cover.

Everyone's, that is, but the two lovers, who tend to believe that no one knows the relationship even exists. This almost universal delusion allows office lovers to proceed with their affair as if it has no impact on the workplace. As with all psychological denial, its emotional advantage is that you get to do what feels good without regard to consequence. Unfortunately, if your relationship is in any way harmful to your work team, professional performance, or corporate culture, denial prevents you from mitigating those consequences.

Not every office romance has a negative impact. Some lead to lovely long-term relationships between consenting adults who are then doubly committed to the organization that serves as the setting for their deep affection. Some romances develop into marriages that function better because each partner has an intimate appreciation of the other's work life. And some office flings contribute to the complex histories and great friendships that make the workplace about something deeper and more satisfying than mere work.

But it can also do a shocking amount of damage. Love affairs end more often than not, and when the personal and professional overlap, the office affair can create heartbreak on steroids. Despite a profoundly altered relationship, continued contact may be unavoidable, prolonging—even utterly preventing—recovery.

Sheer awkwardness between the former lovers tends to jeopardize the career of one. Now you've lost your lover, your concentration, and possibly your job, a high price to pay for a failed shot at love—if that's what you both were aiming for in the first place.

Workplaces may sustain injury, too, regardless of the outcome for the lovers. Concerns about favoritism, suspicions about misuse of company time and resources, and a general resentment of people who are at the job but not on the job erode the climate of trust, focus, and commitment to excellence on which productivity depends. That's when love at the office can be a very unfriendly thing.

If one or both coworkers are married, then their colleagues become unwilling collaborators to infidelity. Some easily brush this aside as none of my business, but others—perhaps those who have a friendship with the unsuspecting spouse—are especially discomfited. And the behavior of the lovers matters a lot. Those who conduct themselves as grown-ups, who are as consistently professional in the office as they are passionate in private, do less harm to themselves and their colleagues than those who behave like teenagers in heat.

The prevailing winds at your workplace may matter the most. After all, we work as much for a culture as for a corporation and your ability to fit within your workplace's unwritten code matters. Generally speaking, if you are working in a publicly held company today, you have to be more careful about everything. If the company's making money, your private good times are apt to be more easily tolerated.

But as every manager, attractive single, or HR consultant has already discovered, romance at the office can, at best, only be held in check. No policies or lawsuits will ever eliminate it entirely. Nor, perhaps, should they. After all, work can be a very sexy place, and that's one of the unsung reasons why it's worth going there every day.

Go for It With Grace

Chances are that you—or your friend two cubicles over—will at least contemplate some form of an office romance. If so, keep in mind these guiding principles:

Absolutely no romance on company time. That means no cutesy, affectionate, or dirty e-mails; no after-hours sex in the office; no closed-door stolen moments; no tie straightening, crumb brushing, or other proprietary gestures. If you must have an office romance, don't have it at the office.

Don't take any unnecessary joint business trips and don't book adjoining rooms. If legitimate business throws you together and you want to take advantage of a discrete opportunity, fine. But never spend a penny of the company's money to further your affair.

Don't tell. Anyone. Don't gossip, confide, or give in to the delicious impulse to discuss your new love interest.

Don't buck the culture. If your company merely discourages office liaisons, then your discretion will make all the difference. But if your behavior contravenes explicit HR policy, get a grip and give up love. It'll cost you your job.

Originally published on March 1, 2007

I'm the other Woman.

WebMD Feature from Oprah.com

It's the side of the story we rarely get to hear. Former mistresses confess they've been the "other woman." Then, betrayed wives reveal the moment they found out.

It's the side of infidelity we rarely get to hear about -- from the "other woman."

Sarah says she met one of the married men she dated at a business dinner. "He was a very distinguished businessman, high-profile, a lot older than me," she says. "He pursued me very hard. He would phone me constantly, text messaging and calling." She says she's since dated "countless" other married men.

Melissa was married when she began seeing a married man she met in a coffee shop. "My husband thought our marriage was fine," she says. "I was always wanting an upgrade."

Crystal, who says she's dated two married men, says that one man would buy her lingerie and they'd meet at her apartment. "He would really like for me to be sexy for him," she says. "I felt I could offer him great sex, and that his wife could not offer him that."

Michelle says she began seeing a man in Las Vegas almost seven years ago. He was also seeing a longtime girlfriend, whom he eventually married.

After a brief breakup, Michelle started seeing him again -- and they're still dating. At first, it was strictly a physical relationship, Michelle says, but when she later moved to his town, the affair became emotional as well. "We ended up spending a lot more time together, so I got to know him at a deeper level. It was more about who he was, what he wanted, and it was a lot more intimate than it had been."

After her initial meeting in the coffee shop, Melissa says her affair continued, and they'd see each other three or four times a week. "The kids had soccer practice. I'd drop them off and run down to our spot," she says. "It was shielded by trees up above a road so it was completely secluded."

Crystal says when the man she was having an affair with told her about his home life, he made it sound like he wanted to leave. She says he told her the cost of divorce and alimony was holding him back. "I had fairy-tale dreams of us being a power couple, being a well-kept wife, and having the big home and fancy cars and a big diamond ring," she says. "But it was never going to be a reality."

Sarah says she heard a similar story from her lover. "He wanted a future with me -- so much so that he gave me a budget to go and look at properties, talked about settling down, talked about how he would explain to his other half that he was leaving, and when he was going to do it. He even rehearsed what he was going to say in front of me," she says. "Of course, nothing happened -- he couldn't leave her."

One thing many wives who have been cheated on wonder is if the "other woman" ever thought about them? Did they ever consider the other lives they may be hurting?

Melissa says the wife of the man she was seeing was an important element of her affair -- but not in the way you might expect. "She was a character of his life. She was an extension of him just like the kids, his friends or the rest of his family. She was just a part of his life that I accepted," she says. "In the very beginning it didn't bother me. But as I knew that she became suspicious, it started to bother me. I knew it was hurting somebody else."

Michelle says she has no interest in meeting the wife of her lover. "I don't know her name, what she does. I've never asked," she says. "I've never wanted to put a face to the person. I've never wanted to give her an identity."

Crystal says when she first started seeing a married man, she was never told about his marital status. "By the time I was emotionally invested, I found out that he was married," she says. "He was able to be with me physically so often, and she didn't question his whereabouts. I began to believe that she didn't care and that she was okay with it."

Sarah says she also didn't know for some time that she was dating a married man. "He was everything I looked for in a guy. I thought I'd found Mr. Perfect. So when he dropped the bombshell that he wasn't actually that available, I moved into another stage," she says. "I was deeply in love with him, and I thought if I kept going with this [affair] and being the person he'd fallen in love with, I could somehow win him away from his wife. I wanted to be number one. That was my challenge then."

Crystal's biggest regret about her affair is that it was a waste of her time. "All the time I was spending with him I could have made myself available to a man who could commit to me fully," she says. "I feel that my relationship was wrong and that there was no good that could come from it."

Oprah: I don't think I've ever said this on TV before, but your story really mirrors my own. In my 20s, I was involved with a married man, and it is one of my greatest regrets. I later found out that the married man also had another "other woman." It is such a powerless position to be in. I don't have a whole lot of regrets in my life, but I regret it because of how pathetic it made me as a woman. I regret it not only because I was pathetic, but because of what I did to his wife. I didn't think about his wife, I believed what he was telling me, I believed the lies that he was telling me about her. I look back at that time in my life and feel not that he was responsible in any way, because I always had the choice.

Crystal: I had painted a picture of what his wife looked like based on everything he told me. I actually had a chance to meet her once, and she was beautiful and poised and she was just the opposite of the picture he painted. I guess that was my aha! moment.

Oprah: Of course, because no husband is going to say, "My wife is really beautiful, and she's really good to me, and things are really going well at home, and everything's lovely. I'm just using you." Which is the truth.

Although Michelle says she has a problem with having an affair, she doesn't plan on ending the extra-marital affair. She says she even hopes to marry him one day. "People say, 'Well, he's cheated on his wife. He'll cheat on you,'" she says. "It could happen -- I would take that chance on him in a heartbeat."

Dr. Michelle Callahan, a psychologist and relationship expert, says Michelle needs to look within herself to figure out why she's involved with a married man. "You really need to put yourself in touch with what's happened in your past, what you were told about yourself, or what you think about yourself today that would allow you to put yourself in this secondary position," she says.

Michelle says she's happy with her situation, but Dr. Callahan says these "toxic relationships" can damage a woman's self-worth. "It makes you less powerful," she says. "You have the power to change it. You made the choice to get into it, and you can make the choice to get out."

For almost two years, Sarah says she and the married man she was dating kept their relationship a secret. When the time came to make a decision, he chose his wife over her. "I was discarded," she says. "I had nowhere to go."

To cope with her heartbreak, Sarah says she began writing in a diary. The diary slowly evolved into a book, Having an Affair?: A Handbook for the Other Woman. "If I can help one woman not go through what I went through and waste so much time, then my work is done," she says.

Dr. Callahan says men get away with this behavior because they have women figured out. "They know how to prey on women's vulnerabilities and how to give them that emotional attention," she says. "They'll give you what you want so they can get what they want."

Mistresses aren't the only ones left heartbroken by cheating husbands. Catherine's marriage ended after her husband strayed.

Catherine says she discovered her husband was cheating when he came home one night with lipstick on his lips -- but that wasn't her first clue. Once, when the couple was taking a road trip, Catherine's husband refused to answer his cell phone while she was in the car. "When we stopped for gas, I caught him checking his phone and talking to someone," she says. "I said, 'I bet that's not a friend. I bet that's a woman.'"

Catherine stayed with her husband despite her suspicions of his infidelity, until the day the sheriff knocked on the door. "[He] served him child support papers," she says. "He knew it was coming, and he just opted not to tell me." Catherine says she had no idea her husband had a child with another woman.

"I proceeded to try to knock his front tooth out," she says. "[Then], I decided it was time to leave."

Teryl says she found out her husband -- the worship leader at their church -- was having an affair when she overheard a suspicious telephone conversation. "I walked in and heard him say to her, 'I wish you weren't working today, because I'd try to buzz out to see you for a while,'" she says. "I instantly knew something wasn't right, and my heart started pounding."

At the time, Teryl was pregnant with their fourth child, the couple's first son.

Although Teryl says she was devastated by the affair, she fought to save her marriage. When her husband decided to leave, she says she grabbed him by the ankles and tried to prevent him from walking out of the door. "I held onto him because he really represented my dreams, my life," she says. "He was a part of me. It was like my life was ending."

Teryl's divorce is now final, and they have joint custody of their children. "He takes his time with them and he does a good job with them, and I'm thankful for that," she says.

Teryl says she holds her husband responsible for his mistakes, but she also blames the other woman. She wrote a letter to her husband's mistress to express her pain. The letter read:

What can I possibly say to the woman who has aided in the demise of my life? I wish I could stand in front of you to voice these thoughts so you could see the real person in me, the real tears that fall, and the real pain I have endured. As a woman, I can't possibly understand how you are comfortable with completely tearing apart our family. If your relationship with a married man is all you've ever dreamt for yourself, then you haven't set your aspirations high enough. You are worth more than a man who would leave his entire family and his entire life.

When Candi discovered that her husband was cheating, she didn't get mad -- she got a lawyer.

After finding steamy love letters and racy photos the other woman sent her husband, Candi says she decided to sue the mistress for alienation of affection. She won and was awarded $500,000 but ultimately settled for $50,000.

Since most states have no-fault divorce, Candi says she couldn't sue her husband, so she went after the woman who she says actively pursued him.

"I think they first met in a bar out of town and nothing happened, but she chose to send him a Christmas card," Candi says. "He obviously bit, so she kept writing. Initially, she would say things like, 'I know you're married with three children, and we can just be friends, but I really enjoyed meeting you.' Then [the letters] became more graphic. [She said] that she could fly to our town any time, and then described sexual acts she'd like to perform if only they could be together."

Why did Candi decide to take legal action? "At the time, I felt so humiliated and devastated," she says. "It looked like an opportunity for redemption in a way, just to stand up for myself and my family."

Dr. Callahan says many men cheat because they want to escape reality and play out their sexual fantasies. To keep men from straying, Dr. Callahan says there are a few things women can do at home.

Start by taking care of yourself, being sexually open and synching communication styles with your partner. Also, couples should keep dating, even after they're married.

"Don't get so comfortable and so settled that you forget to go out and forget to go to the movies, go to dinner and get dressed up," Dr. Callahan says. "Don't just go in your baggy pants and the flip-flops. Dress up like you would on any other date. Remember, it's the other woman who is out on a date giggling and saying, 'Oh, you're so funny. You're so cute.'"

If nothing seems to make your man faithful, don't blame yourself. "If you're already doing that and you end up with a man who is a serial cheater, then maybe it's time to think about moving on," Oprah says. "It's really all on him."

Originally published on October 1, 2007

A License to Parent?

A License to Parent?

Recently I was discussing a few well publicized parenting outrages with a colleague. "I'm sick of kids being neglected and mistreated!" he said passionately and angrily. "I've decided we should make all parents earn a license before they are allowed to become parents. After all, everyone thinks it's OK for the state to mandate basic requirements before it allows us to drive a car."

"Why not then," he continued, "for the most important job of all to get right - that of being a parent? Then we could provide child development and child rearing classes to everyone before they actually had kids to raise. I'm convinced we can diminish the amount of child abuse and neglect in this country through this measure."


My colleague cited a book he had just read on the subject. I don't think I can really represent the position fairly, so if you'd like to read a more detailed rationale for the granting of parenting licenses, read the author's own words: THE RATIONALE FOR LICENSING PARENTS by Jack C. Westman, M.D.

Sounds like a good idea, right?

**********

I hope not. To be honest, the idea horrifies me, although I must admit I agree with the sentiment behind his modest proposal and that prospective parents should learn about child development and what constitutes basic parenting skills. Frankly I don't understand why these aren't part of the basic curriculum taught in all schools to all kids. And, alas, it is true (albeit rarely) that some parents just shouldn't keep having kids (as with a patient of mine whose first five kids are in foster care due to neglect and now she just had her sixth.)

**********

But even if we wanted to, could we really weed out those who will become rotten parents? I have been surprised so often I highly doubt it. Take Millie who was a stone cold neglectful cocaine addict when her child was an infant and who, against all odds, turned her life around and got clean and has been a great mom to her four kids since. Or Sally who, after doing OK with her first, had a second child who somehow sent her into a tailspin that turned her into an impossibly neglectful, depressed mom.

Secondly, can adequate parenting skills be taught? Or more importantly, can inadequate parenting skills be overcome by a simple course in child development? I wouldn't bet on it. Can we teach someone not to abuse their kids? Would that it was so simple! Can we teach parents to love their kids? Just what would taking a course for the license ensure anyway? Just what would it teach?

Thirdly, who gets to decide who shall bear children and who shall not? And just where would you draw the line between acceptable and unacceptable future parenting skills? I would bet the bias against poor and minority families would especially play out here, as we denied them the right to parent in far greater numbers than we would economically advantaged parents.

Finally, just how would we as a society enforce the lack of a parenting license? The ways to do it seem to me to be too intrusive and horrible to contemplate (forced adoption? jail time?).

**********

Some human rights seem more untouchable to me than others, and the right to procreate without government interference has to be close to the top, even if you are unlikely to be a candidate for mother-of-the-year.

Extreme cases tend to lead to bad ideas and a license to parent is another one of them. Far better to devote enough resources to help families in trouble: high quality early child care and public school, universal health care for children, opportunities for economic self-sufficiency, more programs to help hopelessly inadequate parents, and more safeguards for kids who are exposed to such parents.

But "No" to authoritarian government intrusion into the lives and reproductive biologies of all families.

Urinary symptoms often affect women's sex life

By Jill Stein Mon Mar 31, 3:53 PM ET

MILAN (Reuters Health) - Women with lower urinary tract symptoms, or LUTS, are more likely to have sexual problems than women without LUTS, researchers reported here at the annual meeting of the European Association of Urology.

Dr. Con Kelleher, at Guy's and St. Thomas' Hospital Trusts in London, and colleagues examined the impact of LUTS on women's sexual functioning using a database that contains records from 333 general practices.

The study included 1,377,000 women 18 years of age or older who had been seen at one of the practices from 2000 through 2006.

The rate of sexual dysfunction among women with LUTS was twice that of women with no LUTS, researchers found.

The data also showed that women between 30 and 60 years of age were significantly more likely to report sexual dysfunction than women outside this age range.

Overall, the occurrence of overactive bladder, incontinence, and voiding problems, as well as sexual difficulties, increased markedly during the study period.

"The data suggest that the relationship between sexual dysfunction and LUTS (including overactive bladder) should be considered in women when diagnosing and treating these conditions," Kelleher said.

Sex therapists: A few minutes is best

By MEGAN K. SCOTT, Associated Press Writer Thu Apr 3, 11:39 AM ET

NEW YORK - Maybe men had it right all along: It doesn't take long to satisfy a woman in bed. A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life.

If that sounds like good news to you, don't cheer too loudly. The time does not count foreplay, and the therapists did rate sexual intercourse that lasts from 1 to 2 minutes as "too short."

Researcher Eric Corty said he hoped to ease the minds of those who believe that "more of something good is better, and if you really want to satisfy your partner, you should last forever."

The questions were not gender-specific, said Corty (who, it must be noted, is male). But he said prior research has shown that both men and women want foreplay and sexual intercourse to last longer.

Dr. Irwin Goldstein, editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, cited a four-week study of 1,500 couples in 2005 that found the median time for sexual intercourse was 7.3 minutes. (Women were armed with stopwatches.)

It's difficult for both older men and young men to make sexual intercourse last much longer, said Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist and director of Wellminds Wellbodies in Annapolis, Md.

"There are so many myths in our culture of what other people are doing sexually," Brandon said. "Most people's sex lives are not as exciting as other people think they are."

Fifty members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research in the U.S. and Canada were surveyed by Corty, an associate professor of psychology at Penn State Erie, The Behrend College, and student Jenay Guardiani. Thirty-four members, or 68 percent, responded, although some said the optimal time depended on the couple.

Corty said he hoped to give an idea of what therapists find to be normal and satisfactory among the couples they see.

"People who read this will say, 'I last five minutes or my partner lasts 8 minutes,' and say, 'That's OK,'" he said. "They will relax a little bit."

7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them

How to resolve the most common relationship problems and get your love life back on track.

By Carol Sorgen
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD

It’s a rare couple that doesn’t run into at least a few relationship problems -- even when their love life is generally happy. It helps, experts say, to know what the most common problems in a relationship or marriage are. That way you’ll have a better chance of getting through them if they occur in yours. Scott Haltzman, MD, is a clinical assistant professor of psychology at Brown University in Providence, R.I. “Knowing what to expect from relationships -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- is the best way to make sure you're not looking for something that will never be there,” Haltzman says.

Ideally, basic topics such as money, sex, and kids should be discussed before a couple decide to share their life together, says Margaret A. Cochran, PhD. Cochran is a San Francisco Bay area psychotherapist who coaches couples on resolving marriage problems and building romantic intimacy. But agreeing on these things, she says, doesn’t guarantee that a marriage or long-term relationship is going to be trouble free.

Marriage and family therapist Terri Orbuch, PhD, director of the NIH-funded Early Years of Marriage project at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, has identified seven common relationship problems and ways to address them. Her suggestions can help you get a wobbly relationship back on track.

Relationship problem #1: Lack of trust

Trust is an essential part of a relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD. “Trust becomes an issue when one partner doesn’t feel the other is being honest, or doesn’t have his or her best interests at heart,” she says. It can become a major issue if one of you feels the other has a roving eye — or worse, sees signs of a cheating spouse.

Orbuch‘s solution is a “trust talk.” You and your partner need to ask one another about your feelings about and experience with dependability and commitment. What are the behaviors that are causing you to lose trust in your partner or to doubt his or her commitment? Finally -- and Orbuch says you need to think about this carefully -- do you have unresolved issues of your own that hinder your ability to trust others? “You have to have a trustworthy partner,” Orbuch says, “but you also have to have the ability to trust.”

Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, author of When Your “Perfect Partner” Goes Perfectly Wrong, offers these tips to help you and your partner develop trust in each other.

• Be consistent.
• Be on time. When you have to be late, call and say you’ll be late.
• Do what you say you will do, and call when you say you will call.
• Don’t lie — not even little white lies — to your partner or to others.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to the other’s feelings. You can still disagree, but don’t discount how your partner feels.
• Carry your fair share of chores.
• Respect your partner’s boundaries.
• Be a good listener.
• Try not to overreact when things go wrong.
• Don’t dig up old wounds. Remember that once you say things, you can’t take them back.
• Don't be jealous.

Relationship problem #2: Issues with sex

Even partners who love each other can have problems in their sexual relationship, says Orbuch. Pointing to the thorny issues of frequency, satisfaction, types of sexual activity, and the role of physical intimacy in the rest of the relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD that the nature of sex can change over the course of a relationship. “The passage of time,” she says, “affects sexuality. Most couples don’t retain that urgent longing they first felt.”

Talking about your sexual relationship not only gets the issue out in the open, but can also be arousing, says Orbuch. “Talk about your fantasies, how often you’d like to have sex, what things you might like to try,” she says. For many women, talk leads to intimacy, though that’s not always true for men. Passion can also be fueled by “newness.” “Do something new and exciting with your partner," Orbuch says, "whether that’s taking a cooking class together or arranging a mystery date.”

Relationship problem #3: Not enough communication

“Many couples assume that handling daily tasks is communicating,” Orbuch says. “But true communication means sharing your goals and thoughts and dreams — not just talking about whose turn it is to pick up the kids.”

Orbuch tells WebMD it’s important to spend at least five minutes a day talking about topics other than work, your schedules, and your kids. “This can be in person, on the phone, or even in email,” she says. “Or make a point of gathering at the dinner table each night to talk. This is important even if you’re a couple without kids.” Childless couples can get stuck in communication ruts, too.

Communicating with each other can go a long way toward resolving your relationship problems. But don’t be hesitant to seek help from a professional counselor. “Whether you’re a new couple, in the middle of your relationship, or long-established partners," says Orbuch, "a third party can help you if you get stuck."

Relationship problem #4: Money issues

Money issues are a sore spot for many couples. Addressing them involves many questions, says Orbuch, from how much money you each think you should save to who earns more and who makes the financial decisions. “Money is an especially sensitive subject,” says Orbuch. “People just don’t like to talk about it."

Every three months, Orbuch says, you should schedule a “money talk.” Make a list of short- and long-term financial goals, and plan for how much you're spending and how much you're saving. “It’s not unusual for one partner to play a more primary role in money matters,” says Orbuch, “but the other partner should be involved and aware. One person shouldn't be making big financial decisions alone.”

Relationship problem #5: Dividing chores

“Who does what at home can be a source of conflict between couples,” says Orbuch. “Women like to feel that they’re part of a team. It doesn’t have to be 50-50, but it does have to be fair.”

Orbuch says you should choose a time when you’re not frustrated or angry and you're both feeling relaxed. Then discuss each of your expectations. Do you expect your husband to take out the trash? Does he expect you to cook dinner? If reality doesn’t meet your expectations, instead of being frustrated, look for solutions together that may work better for each of you.

Relationship problem #6: Managing conflict

Most couples argue from time to time. “It’s not the amount of conflict, but how you handle it,” says Orbuch. “Destructive behavior, such as yelling, shouting, or withdrawing, is not appropriate. You need to develop a constructive conflict style.”

Start by bringing up your concerns in a timely way, Orbuch says, but find the right time to talk. That’s not when the kids are clamoring for your attention, or when your partner has just walked in from work at the end of a long day. Remain as calm as possible, and use “I statements" to explain how you think and feel. For example: “I feel neglected when you don’t call if you’re going to be late,” instead of: “You’re so thoughtless you can’t even pick up a phone.” And, Orbuch says, make sure you’re really listening to what your partner is saying, not thinking about your response while he or she is talking. Keep lines of communication open — remember, disagreement doesn't necessarily mean disrespect.

Relationship problem #7: Maintaining compatibility

Compatibility doesn’t always mean having similar hobbies and interests, says Orbuch. Rather, it has more to do with having similar attitudes and values. “Couples who feel the same way about issues such as children, religion, and lifestyle are more likely to stay together,” Orbuch says.

The solution again is to talk, says Orbuch. “You don’t need to be compatible on all issues,” she says, “but you should think alike on at least some of the major issues in your relationship.” For the topics you don’t agree on, Orbuch tells WebMD, you should discuss whether there's room for compromise or negotiation, and how this might affect your relationship. For instance, Orbuch says, “If one of you really wants children and the other really doesn’t, you need to honestly evaluate whether you can maintain your relationship."

While you're resolving a relationship problem

If you're working on one of these relationship problems, says Karen Sherman, PhD, there are things you can do that will help you appreciate each other while you resolve them. Sherman, a New York psychologist and co-author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, Make It Last, says you should keep the following in mind.

. Respect each other. Speak and behave respectfully toward one another. Don't humiliate or put your partner down, especially in public. When you speak with each other, speak as you did when you first started dating.

2. Show appreciation of one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate that you . . . ." It lets your partner know that he or she matters.

3. Be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs — and will be able to figure them out without your asking — is a Hollywood fantasy. “Ask for what you need directly,” says Sherman.

4. Recognize that the two of you are different, come from different families, and have been raised differently. Rather than getting annoyed or assuming that your partner doesn't care, open up and be receptive to learn about your partner's different way of doing things.

5. Use humor. Learn to let things go, and enjoy one another more. Have fun!

Comprehensive sex ed may cut teen pregnancies

By Amy Norton Mon Mar 24, 4:08 PM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Comprehensive sex education that includes discussion of birth control may help reduce teen pregnancies, while abstinence-only programs seem to fall short, the results of a U.S. survey suggest.

Using data from a 2002 national survey, researchers found that among more than 1,700 unmarried, heterosexual teens between 15 and 19 years old, those who'd received comprehensive sex ed in school were 60 percent less likely to have been pregnant or gotten someone pregnant than teens who'd had no formal sex education.

Meanwhile, there was no clear benefit from abstinence-only education in preventing pregnancy or delaying sexual intercourse, the researchers report in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

The study found that teens who'd been through abstinence-only programs were less likely than those who'd received no sex ed to have been pregnant. However, the difference was not significant in statistical terms, which means the finding could have been due to chance.

In addition, there was no evidence that comprehensive sex education increased the likelihood of teen sex or boosted rates of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) -- a concern of people who oppose teaching birth control in schools.

While comprehensive sex ed did not clearly reduce the STD risk, there was a modest, but statistically insignificant reduced risk of engaging in sex. The abstinence-only approach had no effect on either factor, the researchers found.

"The bottom line is that there is strong evidence that comprehensive sex education is more effective than abstinence-only education at preventing teen pregnancies," said lead researcher Pamela K. Kohler, of the Center for AIDS and STD at the University of Washington in Seattle.

She told Reuters Health the study "also solidly debunks the myth that teens who learn about birth control are more likely to have sex."

Currently, the federal government champions the abstinence-only approach, giving around $170 million each year to states and community groups to teach kids to say no to sex. This funding precludes mention of birth control and condoms, unless it is to emphasize their failure rates.

Critics have long pointed out that studies have failed to show that abstinence-only education delays sex or lowers rates of teen pregnancy.

The current study is the first to compare the effects of comprehensive sex ed and abstinence-only education in a national survey, Kohler noted.

Of the teens in the study, two thirds said they had received comprehensive sex education, while about one quarter had had abstinence-only courses. Just under 10 percent said they'd received no formal sex education.

There is now a body of evidence showing that the comprehensive approach may cut the odds of teen pregnancy, without increasing the likelihood of teens having sex, according to Kohler.

However, she added, "there seems to be a gap between scientific evidence and policy change."

SOURCE: Journal of Adolescent Health, April 2008.

Good marriage equals good blood pressure

By MALCOLM RITTER, AP Science Writer Thu Mar 20, 7:59 PM ET

NEW YORK - A happy marriage is good for your blood pressure, but a stressed one can be worse than being single, a preliminary study suggests.

That second finding is a surprise because prior studies have shown that married people tend to be healthier than singles, said researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad.

It would take further study to sort out what the results mean for long-term health, said Holt-Lunstad, an assistant psychology professor at Brigham Young University. Her study was reported online Thursday by the Annals of Behavioral Medicine.

The study involved 204 married people and 99 single adults. Most were white, and it's not clear whether the same results would apply to other ethnic groups, Holt-Lunstad said.

Study volunteers wore devices that recorded their blood pressure at random times over 24 hours. Married participants also filled out questionnaires about their marriage.

Analysis found that the more marital satisfaction and adjustment spouses reported, the lower their average blood pressure was over the 24 hours and during the daytime.

But spouses who scored low in marital satisfaction had higher average blood pressure than single people did. During the daytime, their average was about five points higher, entering a range that's considered a warning sign. (That result is for the top number in a blood pressure reading).

"I think this (study) is worth some attention," said Karen Matthews, a professor of psychiatry, psychology and epidemiology at the University of Pittsburgh. She studies heart disease and high blood pressure but didn't participate in the new work.

Few studies of the risk for high blood pressure have looked at marital quality rather than just marital status, she said.

It makes sense that marital quality is more important than just being married when it comes to affecting blood pressure, said Dr. Brian Baker, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto.

1 in 4 US teenage girls have had a sexually-transmitted disease: study

Wed Mar 12, 4:44 AM ET

CHICAGO (AFP) - One in four teenage girls in the United States has been infected with at least one sexually transmitted disease, according to a study released Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The first study to examine the combined national prevalence of common STDs among adolescent women in the United States estimates that at least 3.2 million teens aged 14 to 19 are currently infected.

Since the study only tested for the four most common sexually transmitted diseases, it is possible that the total prevalence among US teens is greater than the study's rate of 26 percent, the authors warned.

"Today's data demonstrate the significant health risk STDs pose to millions of young women in this country every year," said Kevin Fenton, director of the CDC's National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD and TB Prevention.

"Given that the health effects of STDs for women -- from infertility to cervical cancer -- are particularly severe, STD screening, vaccination and other prevention strategies for sexually active women are among our highest public health priorities."

Half of the 838 girls who participated in the study reported ever having sex and of those, 40 percent were infected with an STD.

African American girls were particularly at risk: 48 percent of all African American girls were infected with an STD compared to 20 percent of white teens tested.

The most common STD overall was human papillomavirus, or HPV, with an infection rate of 18.3 percent.

Chlamydia was discovered in 3.9 percent of the teens, trichomoniasis in 2.5 percent and herpes in 1.9 percent.

Among teens who had an STD, 15 percent had more than one.

Infections rate rose to 50 percent among girls with three or more partners while 20 percent of those who had only had sex with one person had been infected.

"High STD infection rates among young women, particularly young African-American women, are clear signs that we must continue developing ways to reach those most at risk," said John Douglas, director of the CDC's Division of STD Prevention.

"STD screening and early treatment can prevent some of the most devastating effects of untreated STDs."

The CDC recommends HPV vaccination for all girls and women between the age of 11 and 26 and annual Chlamydia screening for sexually active women under the age of 25.

While most HPV infections will clear on their own, some will persist and can cause cervical cancer.

Two other studies released Tuesday found inadequate screening of high-risk teens.

The first found that just 27 percent of young women seeking emergency contraception were screened for chlamydia or gonorrhea.

The second found that only 38 percent of young women receiving contraceptive services associated with unprotected sex such as pregnancy tests were offered STD testing, counseling or treatment.

Why men lose interest in sex -- and 8 tips to rekindle desire.

By Susan Seliger
WebMD Feature

Men don’t like to talk about it; neither do their partners. But loss of libido in men or inhibited sexual desire stresses a marriage more than any other sexual dysfunction, according to Barry McCarthy, co-author of Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages.

Losing interest in sex may not be as common an occurrence for men as it is for women: It affects about 15% to 16% of men, and at least double that many women. “But when men lose interest in sex it scares them more than women -- their masculinity is so linked to their sexuality that it is very threatening,” says Esther Perel, a couples therapist in New York city and author of Mating in Captivity.

Loss of libido also makes men more unhappy about the rest of their lives than it does women. Only 23% of men with loss of libido say they still feel very happy about life in general vs. 46% of women, says Edward Laumann, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago co-author of The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. “It bothers men more.”

But loss of libido is not something you have to live with. There is much you can do to regain your sex drive and your happy outlook on life.

How Do You Know if You have a Problem With Loss of Libido?

Libido loss doesn’t usually happen suddenly – it’s not like catching a cold where you wake up one morning and whoops, there it is. It can be a gradual process. Though difficult to define precisely, Laumann measures it as follows: “It is a lack of interest in sex for several months of the past year.”

Frequency of sexual activity is not the best measure of sexual interest – so many circumstances can get in the way of an encounter, even if the desire is there. But if you are in a committed relationship and having sex less often than the norm -- about once a week – you might ask yourself whether you are happy with things as they are.

If you’re not happy about your loss of libido, researchers agree that it is best to grapple with these issues before they become entrenched. To help identify the early warning signs, see whether you answer the following questions true or false:

1. Touching takes place only in the bedroom.
2. Sex does not give you feelings of connection and sharing.
3. One of you is always the initiator and the other feels pressured.
4. You no longer look forward to sex.
5. Sex is mechanical and routine.
6. You almost never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse.
7. You have sex once or twice a month at most.

“If you answered true to many or most of these questions, you may be on your way to losing sexual desire,” writes McCarthy. Understanding the various causes is the first step to finding the appropriate resolution.

What Accounts for Loss of Libido in Men?

The causes of this complex problem range from the physical and medical to the psychological and social. Quick fixes don’t solve everything.

• Erectile Dysfunction Causes Loss of Libido

Impotence, or ED, erectile dysfunction, is not the same as loss of libido, but when you experience one, sooner or later you are likely to feel the other as well. “Only 7% of young men report being unable to keep an erection,” Laumann says. Though ED does increase with age: “It’s 12% by age 40, 18% for ages 50-59; and then a sharp rise by age 60 to 25%to 30%,” says Laumann.

The good news: depending on the cause, “drugs can help that,” Laumann says. Vasodilators, such as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, enhance blood flow to the penis. It also helps to understand that it’s normal for erections to come and go during lovemaking -- "It can happen two to five times in a 45-minute sexual session,” McCarthy says.

• Performance Anxiety and Loss of Libido

Men report two major problems -- anxiety about performance and climaxing too early, according to Laumann. Almost one in three men report premature ejaculation, while under one in five are worried about performance, according to Laumann.

And the anxiety doesn’t stop there. Many modern, loving, and conscientious husbands feel they have not truly “performed” unless their partners climax during sex, too. And as Laumann’s statistics show, only 26% of women report that they always experience orgasm during sex, compared with 75% of men. No wonder men feel the pressure – and performing under pressure can cause loss of libido.

• Stress Leads to Loss of Libido

Job stress and self-esteem are also big factors. “If a man’s performance at work is challenged, and he doesn’t feel he is achieving or doesn’t feel self-worth, he often numbs himself sexually,” says Perel, “Desire is a healthy form of entitlement -- when you don’t feel deserving, you shut down.”

• Medical Conditions Can Cause Loss of Libido

A variety of medical problems and chronic physical conditions can diminish a man's sex drive. Serious illnesses, such as cancer and depression, can certainly dampen any thoughts of sex. Cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and diabetes can reduce blood flow to the body, including the genitals, wreaking havoc on libido as well. Chronic alcoholism and even occasional excessive alcohol consumption are notorious for inflaming desire but impeding performance. Conditions such as thyroid disorders and tumors of the pituitary gland (which controls most hormone production, including sex hormones) can also lower libido.

• Medications Can Interfere With Libido

The class of depression drugs called SSRIs can inhibit desire. So can tranquilizers and blood pressure medications. Illicit substances, such as heroin, cocaine, and marijuana, when used heavily and chronically, may also cause loss of libido. On the positive side, when you talk to your doctor about these issues, there are alternative drugs for depression and other conditions that may have less of an impact on sexual desire.

• The Quality of the Relationship Is an Important Part of Libido

It is not only women who respond – with sexiness or inhibited sexuality – to how happy they are in their relationship. Problems with sex can – but do not always – signal other problems in the relationship that need to be addressed. Anger and disappointment often carry over into the bedroom.

• Too Much Togetherness Can Sap Libido

The paradox of modern relationships is that greater intimacy may not make for better sex. “Sometimes too much closeness stifles desire; fire needs air,” says Perel.. “Separateness is a precondition for connection. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire.”

• The Wrong Kind of Respect Can Cause Loss of Libido

For some men, the very love and respect they have for their partners – especially after the birth of a baby – can become an obstacle to sexual desire. “A lot of men find it difficult to eroticize the mother of their children. It feels too regressive, too incestuous,” says Perel. And of course, if they are pulling their weight in the care of a baby or young children, the resulting exhaustion can sap libido for men as surely as it does for women.

Even where children are not involved, Perel reports that some men say things like, “I can’t do that with my wife.” Her advice? In the first instance, get some sleep. In the second, you never know until you try.

8 Tips for Rekindling Libido

The advice here is not so much about getting more, but getting better. Frequency is not the only measure of libido. Feelings count, too. If you look forward to sex, and feel good about it before, during, and after, that is the true measure of whether your libido is healthy. Here’s how to help combat loss of libido.

1. Get physical and Boost Libido

“When you have no desire you feel frozen. Juice is not flowing – so movement is important, figuratively as well as literally,” say Perel. “It gets people unstuck.” Take up a sport, go walking, with or without your partner. If you already walk or run or work out, try challenging yourself just a little bit further, so you feel a sense of accomplishment and vitality. That physical confidence will carry over into sexual confidence.

2. Keep Expectations Real

It may take the pressure off performance anxiety to bear in mind that not every sexual encounter has to be perfect. Probably only about 40% to 50% of sexual events can be mutually satisfying, McCarthy writes in his book. If you laugh off moments when things don’t work right, your partner will be more likely to want to experiment the next time around, since it takes some pressure and guilt off of her, too.

3. Use Imagination to Fight Loss of Libido

Yes, exploring your fantasies is now regarded by marriage therapists as a good thing. If you want your partner to share in the joy, you may want to both explore further some of the newer erotic literature and films that include female fantasies as well as male. After you’ve shared yours, ask your partner about her fantasies. If she says she doesn’t have any, don’t stop there. Instead, ask her to name just one thing she has ever wished a man would do to give her pleasure. (That’s a fantasy, but she may not call it that.)

4. Build Anticipation to Combat Loss of Libido

Sure, the idea of sex being utterly spontaneous -- no planning, just the heat of the moment -- sounds great. But for anyone with jobs, family, and real lives, there just may not be enough hours in the day to wait for the inclination to arise. Instead, turn planning into an opportunity to build anticipation, the way you look forward to going to a basketball game. Take pleasure in the details – get your partner a little gift, put on your favorite music from college days, turn off the phones and hire a babysitter to take the kids out to a long movie so there will be no interruptions.

5. Focus on the Whole Body to Boost Libido.

For men, sexuality tends to be focused disproportionately on the genitals. Focusing on the other erogenous zones can ease performance pressure – and add new pleasure. Where sexual satisfaction is concerned, the shortest distance between two points – from arousal to orgasm -- is not necessarily a straight line to the genitals. Take detours along the whole body, for yourself and your partner. Be pleasure oriented, not goal oriented. Tease and touch and take your time.

6. Talk About What You Want to Increase Libido

Talking is hard in the best of times, but even harder if you have been avoiding sex together and tension is high. So if you can’t talk, get one of the dozens of excellent sex books out there and point to a chapter. Cozy up and read it together. Look at the pictures, laugh – and let your partner know you’re open to making things better between you.

7. Go Out With Friends Together

Desire feeds on newness. When you go out to a dinner party with other people, you get the chance to see your partner in a fresh light. You remember how interesting and exciting she is – and she gets to see you shine as well. You remember why you were attracted to each other in the first place.

8. Specialists Can Help Combat Loss of Libido

When you have an electrical problem, you call an electrician, right? Sex and marital specialists can be just as helpful when it comes to loss of libido, so get over your resistance to asking for directions, and call one.

Check with your doctor or urologistto rule out any medical conditions that may be playing a part. If you are taking medication, such as an antidepressant, that may be causing loss of libido, discuss alternatives with your doctor.

5 Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

WebMD Feature from "Redbook" Magazine By Ty Wenger

Lord knows this is not the sort of thing guys brag about. But my wife and I have a ridiculously happy marriage. Really, it's almost disgusting.

We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds in the middle of happy hour. Sometimes we'll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other's feet, that we're forced to make hacking, gagging noises to maintain our dignity. Actually, this happened just last week.

See, I told you it was disgusting.

It hasn't always been this way. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that our current marital bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid marriages, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "If you're really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it."

Want examples? Look no further than Tessina and her husband, Richard, who have developed an array of daily relationship builders during their 19 years of marriage: Every morning, they repeat their wedding vows to each other; they hold regular state-of-the-union meetings; and (my personal favorite) Tina routinely leaves Post-it Notes for Richard ("Hi, honey! Have a great day!") stuck to the underside of the toilet seat (think about it).

"Every marriage has what I call a relationship reservoir, or the stored-up emotional energy of the relationship," says Tessina. And although these daily habits are all very simple things, they help fill that reservoir. When there's a lot of positive energy there, you give each other a little pat on the butt or say, "I'm so glad I'm sharing my life with you," and you're storing it up. Then when the relationship is under stress, you'll have the energy you need to get through.

We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about marriage-strengthening solutions they've developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happily married as I am.

Want to know the one thing that's most important to a successful marriage? That's easy. Walk up to your husband and surprise him with this one-question relationship quiz:

You: "Honey, what do you think is the one thing most important to a successful marriage?"

Him: "Umm, uh did you say something?"

And, well, there you have it.

Happily married couples typically say their relationships work better when they can sit down and gab one-on-one, like thinking, feeling adults. But who's got time for that? Actually, anybody who sleeps at night, if you follow the lead of Julie and Thom and their nightly visits to their "igloo."

"It all started one winter night years ago, when Julie had had a really bad day," says Thom, 33, a marketing director in Columbus, Ohio. "We were huddled under the covers of our bed, and Julie was describing how all the people who made her day miserable were 'bad polar bears' and how she didn't want any of the bad polar bears coming into the bedroom and how the bed was our refuge from them. You realize how embarrassing it is to admit this, right? Anyway, that's when we started calling the bed the igloo."

"The igloo is a place to retreat to," says Julie, 31. "It's our little sanctuary; only nice things happen in the igloo."

Eventually Julie and Thom began holding a powwow in the igloo at the end of every day, making a nightly excursion that Julie says has become a vital part of their five-year marriage.

"It's funny, because I always thought that when you lived with somebody, you'd automatically know everything that was going on," she says. "But we find that if we don't take that time to connect with each other, it's really easy for life to get in the way. The igloo offers one of the few times in the day where there's not a whole heck of a lot else going on, so you're able to focus on each other in a deeper way."

Of course, you don't need to christen major pieces of furniture with cute nicknames to improve the communication in your marriage. You simply have to set aside a few minutes every day to remind each other of why you got married in the first place. And there are as many ways to do that as there are marriages in America.

Lori and Joe, who are happily married in Philadelphia, have a nightly ritual they call crook time. That's when Lori cuddles up in the "crook" of Joe's shoulder and they talk. "The name's a little sappy," Lori admits, "but it's always a nice way for us to catch up."

Every night, Angie and Bob walk their pet Chihuahua, Chachi, through the streets of Brookline, Massachusetts. In addition to keeping Chachi from picking dogfights he could never win ("He has a bit of a Napoleon complex," Bob says), they use the time to strengthen their 11-year marriage.

It may be going a bit far to emulate Tim and Jill, a Connecticut couple who somewhat sheepishly admit that they check in with each other from work "six, maybe seven times a day," Tim says, "sometimes a dozen times when we're really being crazy." (Jill says, slightly more defiantly, "He's just my best friend, and our marriage is a great partnership, and there's no one I'd rather talk to.")

Then again, if you've been married 10 years and still want to talk to each other 10 times a day, you must be doing something right.

Back when you were 14 years old, you probably figured that once you got married, you'd have sex just about every day. (Well, maybe teenage girls don't think that way. But let me tell you, 14-year-old boys sure do.) And why not? Sex is free. It's fun. And it doesn't require the purchase of any equipment, besides the occasional bottle of vegetable oil and about 20 feet of nylon rope.

But as they get older, most couples realize that having sex every night isn't possible, let alone a worthy goal. Indeed, a 1994 University of Chicago survey of Americans' sexual habits found that only about a third of adults have sex more than once a week. Granted, that number might have been higher if all the couples having sex more frequently had stopped to take the surveyor's phone call, but clearly, sex for most married couples is far from a daily reality.

That doesn't mean, though, that you can't at least talk sexy every day, and that's the approach that Ed and Stephanie have taken in the more than six years they've been together.

"It's funny," says Ed, a 33-year-old San Francisco cab driver, "because we know plenty of married couples who fight, a lot, about how often they have sex. The wife's upset because all he ever wants to do is have sex; the husband's upset because he doesn't think they have sex enough. But this has never really been a problem with us, and I think it has a lot do with the fact that we're always talking sexy to each other."

"Absolutely," says Stephanie, a 32-year-old massage therapist. "We're always complimenting each other, tossing out fantasies, telling each other we're hot. He gets to feel like he can have sexual feelings, and I feel like I don't have to have sex all the time to appear attractive.

"Let's put it this way: The way I see it, sex is like chocolate cake. After five days of eating chocolate cake, even chocolate cake doesn't taste that great."

"Right," Ed says, "but after five days of talking about chocolate cake?"

"That cake tastes damn good."

Eavesdrop on a conversation between Bob and Angie concerning their favorite shared pastime.

"We are so disgusting. This is so pathetic. It's like a sickness."

"But it makes us happy!"

"It's so stupid it makes us laugh."

"We're yelling at people. High-fiving each other."

"Look, we get a kick out of it because it's so ridiculous. It's our guilty pleasure."

Forgive them if they seem somewhat shy, but they're merely ashamed to admit that the daily ritual that brings such joy to their 12-year marriage is none other than reality TV. That's right. They lived and died with Survivor. They've adopted Big Brother. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? They do. Not to mention TemptationIsland, The Weakest Link, The Real World, Chains of Love, Fear Factor, The Mole (yes, really, The Mole)

"Honestly, I think we just need to be dumb for a while," says Bob, 37, a shoe designer for Reebok in Boston. "We're both very into our careers.

And when you're at work, with any job there's going to be a certain amount of professional stress. You like to come home sometimes and, for that lousy hour or whatever, kick back and relax."

Or as Angie, 36, a marketing executive, says, "Life is serious enough, isn't it? Sometimes you need to do something stupid. And if you can't be stupid with your husband, who can you be stupid with?

So hold on, then: Is domestic joy found in partners smothering each other in obsessive daily rituals ("Honey, don't forget, at 7:15 we have our nightly cuddle, followed by the affirmation of our vows, our 7:35 spontaneous flirtation, and then, of course, a new episode of Moesha at eight")?

Hardly. In fact, Tessina says that sleepwalking through a series of hollow routines (although probably an apt description of your day job) is worse for your marriage than having no routines at all. The solution, she says, is to also make a daily habit of getting away from each other.

"You know that old saying, 'How can I miss you if you don't go away?'" Tessina asks. "Doing things separately gives you a chance to fill in the blanks that your partner can't fill in for you, for example, one of you likes classical music, the other one likes sports. Plus, taking a break from each other gives you more things to talk about, because when you're joined at the hip, what's to talk about? You've already seen it all."

The point, naturally, is not to make space for each other in that I-can't-wait-to-get-away-from-you sort of way but to pursue your own hobbies and interests. It's a distinction that Joe tried hard to make to Lori during their delicate pre-engagement negotiations four years ago.

"As a woman, you get this message that when you get married, you spend every single waking second with your husband and you're so unbelievably happy," says Lori, 34. "And my parents actually do spend every single waking second together, and oddly enough, they are happy. So that's how I grew up thinking you were supposed to be. But when I told him this, Joe was like, 'I-don't-think-so.'"

"Because I watched my parents," says Joe, 29, whose parents divorced when he was 22, "and yeah, they spent every moment together, but they spent every moment together at each other's throats."

"So Joe had to convince me that having our own lives was a good idea," Lori explains. "I'm thankful he did."

These days Lori and Joe are practically poster children for the power of independence. Joe, who works for a nonprofit agency, spends his nights taking painting classes, building youth centers, and recording his guitar sessions. Lori, a college professor, spends hers directing community-theater musicals and indulging in trashy movies on cable television, a passion that Joe (go figure) doesn't seem to share

"It all brings a freshness to our marriage because we both continue to grow as people," Joe says.

"Plus," says Lori, "getting out of the house and out of each other's hair keeps us from going crazy."

And — we asked the experts, so we know — going crazy is definitely not one of the secrets of a happy marriage.

In another University of Chicago survey, this one of married couples, 75 percent of the Americans who pray with their spouses reported that their marriages are "very happy" (compared to 57 percent of those who don't). Those who pray together are also more likely to say they respect each other, discuss their marriage together, and — stop the presses — rate their spouses as skilled lovers.

Not to say that prayer is a cure for all that ails you (were that the case, my beloved Oakland Raiders would have won the Super Bowl years ago). But whether they're talking about a simple grace at dinnertime or some soul-searching meditation, couples routinely say that a shared spiritual life helps keep them close. And as Doug and Beth say, even couples who are on different sides of the theological fence can benefit from praying together daily.

"We have been married for seven years, but praying together is something we didn't start doing until about a year ago," says Doug, a 32-year-old Salt Lake City biochemist. "In the past, whenever we faced big decisions, we'd have discussion after discussion about them, but we'd never really come to a resolution."

After two 1,000-mile moves, the birth of three children, and two job changes, all in the past four years, those difficult decisions had begun to take a toll. So when Beth asked Doug, a nonreligious and self-proclaimed man of science, to try praying with her, he figured they had nothing to lose.

"I soon found that praying together brings out a real sense of selflessness and humility," Doug says. "When you're praying for each other, not yourself, you're focused together and speaking from the heart on a whole different level. I would never have predicted this for us, but it really works."

"As bad as any problem may seem at that moment," agrees Beth, "prayer always helps us see beyond it. It doesn't have to be a long-drawn-out scripture reading, just a few minutes a day. When we pray, it brings another level of honesty to our conversations. I think it's the most intimate thing you can do with another person."

Now they pray together every night, once the "urchins" are in bed, which puts them in the company of the 32 percent of American married couples who say they pray together regularly. It also puts them in the company of Julie and Thom, when the other couple isn't holed up in their igloo, of course.

"It's pretty short and not at all scripted," says Julie about their giving thanks before each meal. "We just join hands and let it rip. Whether we're asking for forgiveness or giving thanks, saying it out loud holds a lot of power.

"Besides, regardless of religion or spiritual preference, I think that most marriages require a ton of faith," Julie sums up. "You've got to believe that somehow the two of you are going to make it through things. You've got to believe that you're being blessed with this person. And even if the power we feel just comes from the strength of our love, even if we don't believe that it's God who is helping us, I still think that it's good to acknowledge that there's a force between the two of us that's helping us out."

10 Ways to Catch a Liar

Experts have 10 tips that can let you know if someone isn't telling you the whole truth.

By Heather Hatfield
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

J.J. Newberry was a trained federal agent, skilled in the art of deception detection. So when a witness to a shooting sat in front of him and tried to tell him that when she heard gunshots she didn't look, she just ran -- he knew she was lying.

How did Newberry reach this conclusion? The answer is by recognizing telltale signs that a person isn't being honest, like inconsistencies in a story, behavior that's different from a person's norm, or too much detail in an explanation.

While using these signs to catch a liar takes extensive training and practice, it's no longer only for authorities like Newberry. Now, the average person can become adept at identifying dishonesty, and it's not as hard as you might think. Experts tell WebMD the top 10 ways to let the truth be known.

Tip No. 1: Inconsistencies

"When you want to know if someone is lying, look for inconsistencies in what they are saying," says Newberry, who was a federal agent for 30 years and a police officer for five.

When the woman he was questioning said she ran and hid after hearing gunshots -- without looking -- Newberry saw the inconsistency immediately.

"There was something that just didn't fit," says Newberry. "She heard gunshots but she didn't look? I knew that was inconsistent with how a person would respond to a situation like that."

So when she wasn't paying attention, he banged on the table. She looked right at him.

"When a person hears a noise, it's a natural reaction to look toward it," Newberry tells WebMD. "I knew she heard those gunshots, looked in the direction from which they came, saw the shooter, and then ran."

Sure enough, he was right.

"Her story was just illogical," says Newberry. "And that's what you should look for when you're talking to someone who isn't being truthful. Are there inconsistencies that just don't fit?"

Tip No. 2: Ask the Unexpected

"About 4% of people are accomplished liars and they can do it well," says Newberry. "But because there are no Pinocchio responses to a lie, you have to catch them in it."

Sir Walter Scott put it best: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" But how can you a catch a person in his own web of lies?

"Watch them carefully," says Newberry. "And then when they don't expect it, ask them one question that they are not prepared to answer to trip them up."

Tip No. 3: Gauge Against a Baseline

"One of the most important indicators of dishonesty is changes in behavior," says Maureen O'Sullivan, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco. "You want to pay attention to someone who is generally anxious, but now looks calm. Or, someone who is generally calm but now looks anxious."

The trick, explains O'Sullivan, is to gauge their behavior against a baseline. Is a person's behavior falling away from how they would normally act? If it is, that could mean that something is up.

Tip No. 4: Look for Insincere Emotions

"Most people can't fake smile," says O'Sullivan. "The timing will be wrong, it will be held too long, or it will be blended with other things. Maybe it will be a combination of an angry face with a smile; you can tell because their lips are smaller and less full than in a sincere smile."

These fake emotions are a good indicator that something has gone afoul.

Tip No. 5: Pay Attention to Gut Reactions

"People say, 'Oh, it was a gut reaction or women's intuition,' but what I think they are picking up on are the deviations of true emotions," O'Sullivan tells WebMD.

While an average person might not know what it is he's seeing when he thinks someone isn't being honest and attribute his suspicion to instinct, a scientist would be able to pinpoint it exactly -- which leads us to tip no. 6.

Tip No. 6: Watch for Microexpressions

When Joe Schmo has a gut feeling, Paul Ekman, a renowned expert in lie detection, sees microexpressions.

"A microexpression is a very brief expression, usually about a 25th of a second, that is always a concealed emotion," says Ekman, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California Medical School in San Francisco.

So when a person is acting happy, but in actuality is really upset about something, for instance, his true emotion will be revealed in a subconscious flash of anger on his face. Whether the concealed emotion is fear, anger, happiness, or jealousy, that feeling will appear on the face in the blink of an eye. The trick is to see it.

"Almost everyone -- 99% of those we've tested in about 10,000 people -- won't see them," says Ekman. "But it can be taught."

In fact, in less than an hour, the average person can learn to see microexpressions.

Tip No. 7: Look for Contradictions

"The general rule is anything that a person does with their voice or their gesture that doesn't fit the words they are saying can indicate a lie," says Ekman. "For example, this is going to sound amazing, but it is true. Sometimes when people are lying and saying, 'Yes, she's the one that took the money,' they will without knowing it make a slight head shake 'no.' That's a gesture and it completely contradicts what they're saying in words."

These contradictions, explains Ekman, can be between the voice and the words, the gesture and the voice, the gesture and the words, or the face and the words.

"It's some aspect of demeanor that is contradicting another aspect," Ekman tells WebMD.

Tip No. 8: A Sense of Unease

"When someone isn't making eye contact and that's against how they normally act, it can mean they're not being honest," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice. "They look away, they're sweating, they look uneasy ... anything that isn't normal and indicates anxiety."

Tip No. 9: Too Much Detail

"When you say to someone, 'Oh, where were you?' and they say, 'I went to the store and I needed to get eggs and milk and sugar and I almost hit a dog so I had to go slow,' and on and on, they're giving you too much detail," says Berman.

Too much detail could mean they've put a lot of thought into how they're going to get out of a situation and they've crafted a complicated lie as a solution.

Tip No. 10: Don't Ignore the Truth

"It's more important to recognize when someone is telling the truth than telling a lie because people can look like they're lying but be telling truth," says Newberry.

While it sounds confusing, finding the truth buried under a lie can sometimes help find the answer to an important question: Why is a person lying?

These 10 truth tips, experts agree, all help detect deception. What they don't do is tell you why a person is lying and what the lie means.

"Microexpressions don't tell you the reason," says Ekman. "They just tell you what the concealed emotion is and that there is an emotion being concealed."

When you think someone is lying, you have to either know the person well enough to understand why he or she might lie, or be a people expert.

"You can see a microexpression, but you have to have more social-emotional intelligence on people to use it accurately," says O'Sullivan. "You have to be a good judge of people to understand what it means."

Extra Tip: Be Trusting

"In general we have a choice about which stance we take in life," says Ekman. "If we take a suspicious stance life is not going to be too pleasant, but we won't get mislead very often. If we take a trusting stance, life is going to be a lot more pleasant but sometimes we are going to be taken in. As a parent or a friend, you're much better off being trusting rather than looking for lies all the time."

How to Get More Friends

WebMD Feature from "Health" By Denene Millner

If friends are so good for us, why do we have few? Here’s how to get more.

It’s been almost two years since my family and I moved from New Jersey to the South in search of a more peaceful, more meaningful lifestyle. For the most part, we’ve found what we were looking for. Still, save for a few new acquaintances, I have about as many friends as a pimply-faced nerd on her first day of high school. I crave the camaraderie I shared with my girls up north.

I’m not alone. Recent research shows that adult Americans’ circle of friends has decreased by a third over the last 19 years. The problem isn’t just that we don’t have dinner dates; it’s that we don’t have people to turn to when we’re sick, when we’re stressed, or when we’re otherwise in crisis. We miss the health benefits of having a strong social network, which can do everything from boost your immune system to protect you from heart disease, cancer, depression, and anxiety, says Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore.

“People tend to think of friendship as something you fit in when all the important stuff is done,” she says. “But friends are not a luxury; they’re an essential nutrient.”

Here are five easy ways to make—and keep—the kind of friends who will make your life happy and healthy.

1 Talk to strangers.
You may have a lot in common with the person you see every day on the train. Angelou Ezeilo of Snellville, Georgia, struck up a conversation one day with fellow commuter Jennifer White and discovered that they both were three months pregnant with boys, had a mutual love for Southern cooking and interior design, and lived in the same neighborhood. A friendship was born.

2 Google your old best friend.
You may have fallen out of touch since graduation, but your former buddy might still have all the wonderful qualities that made you like her in the first place. “If she was a good friend before, she might be an even better friend now,” says Sally Horchow, co-author of The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections.

3 Host an each-one-bring-one party.
Ask a few friends each to invite someone you don’t know to a low-key evening of food and conversation. Dorothy Ashford of Cornelius, North Carolina, hosts this kind of gathering every Fourth of July. “I make sure that everyone connects with those they haven’t met,” she says. Try a fun icebreaker to get guests talking. Ashford suggests putting out a sign-in book so you can keep in touch with guests who tickled your fancy.

4 Make a friendship “date.”
If, for instance, a mom you chat with when you drop your kids off at school mentions she likes cooking, invite her to a local cooking class where the two of you can learn a new dish—and dish!—together. It’s a no-pressure way to take a passing acquaintance to the next level.

5 Do something new
Try something you love, so you can meet others who love it, too. Join a group, and you’re bound to find potential friends you can bond with over similar interests. “You’ll be seeing the same faces over and over, so your introduction is not quite so cold,” author Marla Paul says. Or simply change your routine. For example, Horchow suggests, instead of eating lunch by yourself at work, one day a week join co-workers you’d like to know better